Forget gold futures. Ditch pork bellies. Pass on Bitcoins. This seminar is all about a phenomenal investment that guarantees returns better than—yes better than—flipping sub-prime mortgaged crack houses.
My name is Buddy Storms and my seminar will lead you through the basics of how to triple your investment in a few short weeks. When we finish, everyone here at the El Cheeseo Motor Inn should have a wide open path to riches.
In front of each of you is my revolutionary Buddy Storms booklet laying out the ground rules in the wild bull market of Pandemic Bubble Pod slots.
Okay. It’s fair to ask: Why is a slot so tradable?
My friends. Uncounted single Americans have faced this pandemic loneliness with little opportunity for social intercourse. Or any intercourse for that matter. Desperate to remain in contact with like-minded cohorts, thousands locked up spots in government sanctioned 12-person Pandemic Pod Bubbles, registered in the National Pandemic Pod Bubble Clearinghouse at the Center for Disease Control HQ in Atlanta.
Each official covid pod bubble, as per CDC rules, has a dozen members headed by a Pod Guardian. Once joined together, the bubble-ees are legally free to execute the secret pod handshake, make YouTube videos about their moves on everyone else in the bubble, and hug, caress, or go at it like rabbits, all refereed by their Pod Guardian.
Tight pandemic pods break up when members get arrested, sacked from their jobs, or go pandemic loony off the rails. And that leaves a vacancy—your opportunity to step in, bid on the slot, and make millions.
Here’s how this works. Last weekend, in this very neighborhood, the BubbleBuddies, a registered Covid Pod, held a digital open house to sell the slot opening up in their bubble group. Their librarian-massage therapist, the Pod Guardian, was moving to a Valentine, Nebraska, book depository. The remaining BubbleBuddies jumped at the opportunity to make substantial coin by auctioning off the Guardian slot on the open market.
Bingo. A golden opportunity for the revolutionary Buddy Storms method. The pod slot in question promised access to the BubbleBuddies in-town bear-skin-rug clubhouse, an open invite to thruple game night at their cabin at the shore, use of the 36-foot pleasure palace houseboat on Lake Fiddle, time shares at a Trump golf property in Jersey, and a license to carouse with your eleven tested BubbleBuddies without masks, distancing, sanitizer, or opprobrium.
This slot would deliver a diversified pod. One member was a barber-stylist; another was a mechanic for car problems. There was a rapper who doubled as an offshore financial consultant, two out-of-work chefs and food servers, a local newscaster doing a Netflix documentary on the group, a disbarred attorney who worked with the White House for a month, a chiropractic student, a cannabis farmer, and finally Jimmy, an out-of-work gun enthusiast always packing heat.
Our approach had to be carefully planned. To insure the sale in a Covid pod like BubbleBuddies, we needed a juicy, attractive applicant. The right one might mean a three hundred percent profit,
We concocted Candy, bringing a Tinder profile highlighting her role as a polyamorous free-lance sex therapist eager to become a Guardian and satisfy the secret needs of any current BubbleBuddies. We contrived her background in couples, sextuples and octuples.
It was child’s play to outbid the unprepared yokels. The BubbleBuddies took the hook and picked us. We signed the papers, and then upsold that share two hours later online at the National Bubble Pod Slots Futures Market headquartered in Barbados. Our buyer was a laid-off substitute teacher in a six-month herpes rehabilitation commune in Key West. She told us she planned to double her money by passing it on to a Middle East prince, recently pardoned by the President, who was looking for this kind of Big Apple pod. You have to admire the good-old American entrepreneurial spirit.
So that’s how it works. Now, before vaccinations get too widespread, I invite you to join the fray. Buy an online license for my Bubble-Trader website and get to work making a killing.
John Hewitt is a former Army cook who now lives in fiery California. His latest novel is Freezer Burn, following the adventures of a not-yet-dead ferret.