We’re pretty, slim, and super helpful.

Dear Ariel,

My husband told me the other day he wished I was thinner. This really hurt my feelings. I wish he could just accept me the way I am. I accept his meth lab, why can’t he accept my 20 extra pounds?

Thank you,

Confused in Buffalo

Dear Confused in Buffalo,

Oh boy, this is a, what’s the word? Problem! I remember when Eric gave me a weird look when I combed my hair with a dinglehopper! Ouch. Listen, if your husband wants you to take a couple thing-a-ma-bobs off your waist, do it. I sacrificed my tail and voice to hook Eric. You think I didn’t want to scream, “Ursula scares the crap out of me. I give up?” If I can make that sacrifice, you can certainly fit back into your skinny whosits. I don’t know what a meth lab is but how could a world that makes such wonderful things make anything that was bad? 

Part of your world,

Ariel

Dear Snow White,

My live-in boyfriend refuses to do anything around the house. He won’t cook, clean or take part in our finances. We both work full-time jobs so I don’t know why all the housework is dumped on me. I have asked that he at least take care of the dog, but he says Oscar is way more than he signed up for. Oscar belonged to his ex-girlfriend! Help!

Sincerely,

Desperate, tired, and annoyed in Michigan

Dear DTA,

This is very hard to understand, since I enjoy cooking and cleaning for men. However, I do have a couple tiny suggestions to send you on your way. First, have you tried whistling? This might encourage him to cheerfully tidy up the place together. Secondly, do you live near a wishing well? If you do, speak into it and say this, “I’m wishing, I’m wishing, (there is an echo…just wait) for a man to help. This usually does the trick. If not, then you may need to handle him the way I handled my pal Grumpy when he didn’t want to wash for dinner. Simply get 6 small men to physically force him into submission. The dog issue is strange since all the animals I know are self-reliant and respond to the aforementioned whistling by dusting with their tails and cleaning with their tongues.

Whistling,

Snow

Dear Belle,

Whenever my girlfriend does something wrong I can’t help but “keep score.” I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t help it. I have a running ‘bad list’ in my head, and the minute she screws up, I dig up all the old mistakes and throw them back at her. Is there any hope for me? 

Warmly,

Loco Lesbian in Tampa

Dear Loco Lesbian,

Bonjour! Oh, Lesbian, I’m sure we can figure this out together. You see, when I was a young girl there were many in my town who sang ill of me.  “You’re odd” or “so peculiar,” they crooned.  In hindsight, I shouldn’t have called their provincial town ‘poor’ and its citizens ‘little.’ Live and learn. The point is I never held their ignorant remarks against them. Back then my husband, formerly the Beast, once locked me in a cell. He also held my sick father in that same cell for weeks and weeks. But see? I let that abuse roll off my back and ended up marrying him! Lesbian, you must look forward. Just like I managed to compartmentalize when Beasty used to absurdly insist I dress in a ball gown while being held captive against my will. Btw, I think you meant boyfriend not girlfriend in your question. I changed it for you. Good luck!

Au Revoir,

Belle

Dear Belle,

Re: Loco Lesbian

Thanks for the advice. It was odd and disconcerting. I wanted to let you know that I did mean to say girlfriend. I am a lesbian. I got the impression you thought my name was lesbian. It is not, it’s Carol. 

Warmly,

Carol

Dear Lesbian Carol

Re: Re: Loco Lesbian

I am so unnerved. Being with women is an option?! You mean to tell me I’m stuck with this monster when I could have been with Babette, the feather duster??!! Oh, wiffle-waffle!!! Welp. This is my life now. Married to an ass, living in a creepy castle, dressed like a cake topper. Oh well, time to corset up for dinner. Bleck!

Pissed and pent-up,

Belle



Irene Tassy is a humor writer who lives in Los Angeles, California. She has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, Slackjaw and Robot Butt. Just recently she won Nicki’s Prize for Humor Writing sponsored by the Erma Bombeck Workshop. Irene started her career by performing and directing both sketch comedy and straight plays. She also performed stand-up comedy for a while which left many audiences thinking, “Huh…that was interesting.” Her hopes for the future include: continued health, world peace and someone to explain the movie Inception to her.