We at Healthy Bowels know those moments. You have a guest. You feel an eruption in your belly, so you try to hold it in. You’re desperate to escape, as is the fart, but the person keeps yakking. Consequently, you break wind. Then there’s this embarrassing silence. Well, be silent no more! Here are some excuses that, if used wisely, SHOULD fool your guests. With a caveat: They only work for noisy and/or squeaky farts, NOT the strong, silent killers!
- Darn it! I really need to fix that floorboard.
- That damn neighbor and his bagpipes!
- I’ll just go turn off the kettle.
Assuming, of course, that the kettle is on. - Are you wearing creaky shoes?
This cunningly puts the onus onto them. - Honestly, dear, it was you, NOT me.
This pseudo-innocent approach, with your head angled, is good for confusing the elderly. - While I appreciated the burrito, and you were VERY sweet to bring it, look what it made me do!
Appropriately passive-aggressive as it holds both your guest AND the burrito responsible. - I didn’t do it, YOU did!
Be sure to shout! This guarantees a fight, but is an excellent way of expelling an unwanted guest (as well as sneaking another fart). - Just doing a spot of Kung Fu.
Good after the squeaky fart. Now adopt a martial art stance and attempt to replicate the fart. Only with your mouth this time. - Did you hear that? Isn’t it horrible? (Grip their arm and stare fearfully into their eyes.) Could it be a werewolf?
Only works if there’s a full moon. - Boy, that’s loud! Could be a ship’s horn!
Cupping your hand above your eyes, gaze out the window. For emphasis, use binoculars. (Only works if you live near water and aren’t aiming them into a nearby residence!) - Sounds like another large iceberg cracking.
Only works if, say, you live in Alaska. - It was an elephant; I live near a zoo.
A little suspect… - I’m training to be a ventriloquist, and I was trying to roar like a lion without moving my lips. Did it sound authentic?
Unless, you have a ventriloquist’s dummy that looks like you, AVOID THIS ONE. Additionally, should you be a professional of some repute, things could get awkward. You might have to explain your shift of career or admit to farting—a Catch 22. We advise using the next excuse. - The dog did it.
Dogs will not only die for you; they will fart for you. They know instinctively to accept blame, so will affect an Oscar-worthy, exceedingly guilty-looking demeanor. - The cat did it.
This might not fly, though, as the cat will blame the dog. Moreover, if there’s no dog, the cat will place the blame squarely back on you.
- The Butler did it.
Assuming, of course, that you have a butler. - (Speaking with a “snooty” British accent ã la Downton Abbey):
I’m most dreadfully sorry. It’s our rusty old pipes. I’ll have words with the housekeeper.
WOW! You have a butler AND a housekeeper? WE FUCKING HATE YOU! - Don’t worry. My dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Great for when you don’t have a dog (and an excellent conversation starter!). As your guest looks around expectantly, wax enthusiastically about “Minnie,” your miniature “Doglet,” who is no bigger than your thumb—and how she’s VERY shy with strangers. People LOVE hearing about new dog breeds. - (Speaking with a French accent): Apologies! (Roll your eyes and tut!) Zat is Joseph, my resident ghost! ‘e claims to be Joseph Pujol, ze French flatulist, and Moulin Rouge entertainer “Le Pétomane,” who died in Toulon, France, in 1945. Do you ‘appen to know a good exorcist?
EXTREME DIVERSIONARY TACTIC. RISKY! Now launch into how Joseph, with his handlebar mustache, formal attire, and rubber tube up his “derrière,” presents a devil of a problem, by keeping you and le petit chien “Minnie” awake most nights with his incessant farting. While his backside can certainly carry a tune and make cute little animal noises, its repertoire is frequently bloodcurdling! Now pause for a moment—to let it sink in—then mention HIS ENEMAS. If all goes well, your guest should buy it, swept up in the thrill and terror of it all. Little realizing you’ve thrown them a red herring! HOWEVER, this excuse comes with a caveat: As ghosts tend not to travel, it’s more convincing if you live in France. - Excuse me for farting.
We find honesty to be the best policy!
Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).