THE AMERICAN PATRIOT CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL OF SUPERIOR LETTER WRITING

Are you aware of the fact that because of bad spelling,  incorrect grammar, and weak sentence structure many hand written death threats do not make for  superior reading experiences? Often a hastily written note threatening to kill a Senator or a Congressional Representative and their families lacks originality of expression and coherent thought, thus exposing the writer to ridicule or, even worse, humiliation in the eyes of his fellow good-natured patriots.

Now, for a mere $3,054, you can receive 5 carefully crafted lessons from experts in HOW TO WRITE UNFORGETTABLE  SOCIALLY CORRECT  DEATH THREATS. No need to travel to Mar-a-Largo to attend classes. No travel needed. All 5 lessons will be delivered to your door. (If you don’t have a door, we can send our lessons to your nearest gun shop). All you have to is attend five Zoom classroom sessions, and then do the assignments and mail them back in a prepaid envelope to be corrected by some the world’s leading authorities on how to make persons afraid. When your check clears our Deutsche Bank account and you demonstrate your new-found confidence in writing intimidating bullying blood-thirsty sentences, you shall receive a handsome certificate signed personally  by Marjorie Taylor Greene declaring you are  a graduate of our GOP-approved Correspondence School and a full-color signed photograph of Senator Josh Hawley inciting True American citizens to invade our nation’s Capitol to overturn fraudulent election results. You will be proud to display these documents in your study, office, or trailer.

TOPICS TO BE COVERED

WEEK ONE – Spelling lessons
Too many notes spell TRATOR for TRAITOR, BASTERD for BASTARD, SENATER for SENATOR, et. al.

WEEK TWO – CHOOSING THE CORRECT STATIONERY

Often writers of death threats choose inferior quality stationery. We sell at great discounts to our students. The highest rated (80% rag content) paper with  matching  gold-leaf envelopes

WEEK THREE—CORRECT GRAMMAR.
No more writing  phrases such as  “I ain’t kidding.” We ain’t kidding either.

WEEK FOUR —  PENMANSHIP LESSON .

Who wants to read a death threat if the handwriting is nearly illegible?

WEEK FIVE–  Closing your note –

should you use –YOURS TRULY,  SINCERELY YOURS,  WITH AFFECTION, or some other heart-warming phrases.

**

DO NOT DELAY . SEND US YOUR NAME AND SNAIL MAIL ADDRESS,

Your email address AND YOUR TUITION FEE (Please ! No cash).

10% discount if you send a notarized statement that Democrats

are cannibals who eat young children for breakfast.



Louis Phillips’ recent poetry publications include The Domain of Silence, The Domain of Absence: New and Selected Poems (Pleasure Boat Studio, 2015), The Domain of Small Mercies: New & Selected Poems ], Volume 2 (Pleasure Boat Studio, 2017), How Wide the Meadow (World Audience Publishers, 2019).

Categories: Open Letters

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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