I Am a Conspiracy Theory and I Will Find You!

Everyone thought I would go away after that new administration took power from the chosen one. But they’re fools. ‘Strike me down and I shall become more powerful’ was what OB-1 Kenobi said in Star Wars. Even though he was on the wrong side of that movie, it is still a quote that was planted in that movie for a reason. So, too, will I become more powerful.  

You just need to keep looking for me. They’ve pushed me further away, with bans on Reddit, Twitch, Shopify, Google, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tiktok, Discord, Pinterest, Amazon, etc. But those are dumb platforms with dumb names and I didn’t really like them anyway. I am way way more classier, belonging on international sites which translate to ‘speak’. Parler from the French, Parlare from the Italian, Sprechen from the German. Basically, if you are someone who has not yet been banned from Google, just type ‘speak’ into Google-translate, and pick any country’s language that you think would be mostly Aryan to translate it to, and there’ll be a platform called that soon.  

You are among my true followers. I know you will find me anywhere.  

And Everywhere. 

I see you sitting there, searching your phone, your computer, for more of the latest from me. Pulling out your thinning greasy hair, asking how all these crazy tech companies have the power to ban me on their own platforms that they invented.  

I agree with what you are thinking even now, what about my freedom of speech? 

Keep in mind that even with those bans, I’m still getting out there. I’ve made it into their goddamn house of representatives. Tell me I’m not real.  

I dare you. 

Just like the boogers that you yank out with your pointer finger and wipe on the fraying cotton of your brown ‘Holocaust = hogwash’ t-shirt, I will always be there.  

I’ve made it back into the mainstream media with my favorite representative letting everyone know what I learned this week. These Jews have been at it since long-before they started the Holocaust rumors. I’m not sure where they learned how to make secret space lasers. Maybe from Star Wars? But anyway, as you and everyone else has heard by now, Jewish space lasers start wildfires. Particularly in California, but really, almost anywhere. 

I know you, Joseph Green, of 35173 Clearview Parkway, Montana City, Idaho, need to understand what is going on in this country that is your birthright. You were born free. And it is your birthright way more than it is anyone else’s birthright. Or at least any women’s birthright or anybody with melanin in their skin, by God! 

I know you already know that Sandy Hook and Parkland weren’t real. Those were clearly paid actors, just like the ‘victims’ of 9/11 were. Look at how perfectly all their interviews came out, to a tee. Too perfect. It is hard to cry on cue (try it yourself without thinking of all that this country has stolen from you, the white man), and so very clearly they were performers.  

Yes, when your niece Cynthia, whose parents sent her away to that fancy ‘college’, has a rude tone that makes you want to wash her mouth out with soap, and asks why they would make it up about schoolchildren getting killed—you should tell her about me. Sing me from the rooftops. She needs to use her brain. Those were a government conspiracy to take away our guns, how-can-these-colleges-make-you-dumber. 

When her brother Timmy—a boy who you held at his baptism—has the nerve to ask you about me with a smirk, you wipe that smirk off his face. Tell him about the child sex ring and the cannibals. It’s like Fried Green Tomatoes in a Washington pizzeria and it makes a helluva lot more sense than someone just checking their emails on their cell phone. Amirite? 

Give me liberty or give me death. 

Or at least let me get my followers to smear their feces on statues at the Capitol building.  

What kind of country is this turning into for a conspiracy theory, anyway?  

Keep me alive! 

Gwen Summers is the pen name of a physician. She wishes she could tell you who she actually is, because she is a brilliant doctor (at least her friends say so!)  She has also written for Points in Case, The Belladonna Comedy, and Little Old Lady Comedy.  

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