Just So There’s No Confucian: Sensible Fortune Cookies

Do not date anyone who claims to have a sugar glider on their person.

You often feel like hurling yourself from high places. Buck up.

Always read expiration dates.

It never hurts to read the directions.

Be wary of tossing out directions.

It pays to know your UPS man.

Check your spam. Nuggets in dross?

The weather rarely grants wishes. Do not ask.

Courtesy is not always contagious.

To make friends, distribute small bills ad libitum.

Never use phrases like “ad libitum.”

Make no purchases after midnight, even if your order will be doubled with only a low S&H fee.

Avoid all S&H fees.

Do not seek happiness in the freezer.

The wine at the bottom rarely tastes as good as that at the top.

We will never know exactly what birds flying over the rainbow find.

Let an umbrella be your umbrella.

Building the IKEA “Frickengrüber” bedstead is indeed a two-person job.

It takes two to tango and to build anything from IKEA.

Never trim your own bangs.

If Amazon does not have it, you do not need it.

Just because Amazon has it does not mean you need it.

Never take advice from a fortune cookie.

Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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