Hello. I am former British Physician Andrew Wakefield. In 1998, I linked the MMR vaccine to autism in a discredited report which resulted in far-reaching consequences regarding views on immunizations. I would like now to issue a statement which will likely rock the anti-vaccination movement:
You dumbasses fell for the biggest prank of all time. Of course vaccines don’t cause autism. What the hell were you thinking? Were you thinking? You’re that easily convinced by an English accent? Maybe I should urinate into some batter and go on The Great British Bake Off—you sub-moronic dickheads would probably root for me like I was Jesus pitching his Water-Walking-Sandals on Shark Tank.
Considering the widespread resistance to the Covid-19 vaccine, it looks like I need to finally come clean.
Sure, it’s been a hilarious twenty three years of watching both hippie woo-woo simpletons and inbred MAGA cretins bring back Measles and Whooping Cough. Little Cody and precious Madison were too sick to get their Yoga-Square Dance participation trophies from the Lori Laughlin Academy For Spoiled Turds, and Cletus and Mabel Junior missed the chance to take their semi automatics to gay-black-man-rabbi target practice. Believe me, that shit cracked me up. But now, with mass death rampaging through the world faster than a California wildfire started by a gender reveal party, it’s time to say, enough is enough. I would like the chance to see Van Morrison in concert one more time before that old anti-masking bastard moondances his way to hell.
I’m a doctor for Chrissakes. I took an oath to never do harm, even to a bunch of numb-nutted halfwits who couldn’t find their asses if toilet paper had G.P.S. I was making an obvious joke. Consider this to be the sickest burn of all time. Maybe, in the schools that are open, you can go find a chalkboard and write, ‘What was I thinking? DUH!’, five hundred times. Not that I’m confident that most of you can count to five hundred—or for that matter, know how to spell, “DUH.”
Okay. I gotta go meet Bill Gates and George Soros for our online Flat Earth Society Meeting. I’ll know how to find the link thanks to the chip that was inserted in my head after I gave up cash while I was on the Paleo Diet.
Catch ya later…if you’re still alive. Ya dinks.
Scott Levy currently teaches in the Writing Program for Chicago’s famed Second City Training Center. Levy’s work has appeared in Five on the Fifth, Phenomenal Literature, and The Satirist. A collection of Levy’s short audio plays can be found at http://www.nightmedicine.com