An Aggressively Biased Ranking of the Zodiac Signs By Molly Doyle, a Gemini, Naturally

2020 was a year of unrelenting trials and tribulations. Between a world-wide pandemic and a ticket received for parking in a white zone that is indistinguishable from a normal curb, I couldn’t catch a break. As a recent college graduate, my parents pressured me to begin my professional life. After quickly determining that I was unhireable, my ambitious spirit began to dissipate. Then, out of nowhere, a clear path to curing my boredom emerged from the murky waters of my parent’s basement. I developed a strong urge to over-identify with my zodiac sign. So, I did what any basic white girl would do, I hunkered down, watched a few astrology videos, bought a Gemini necklace, and after a few hours, officially deemed myself an astrologer. Some may call it a desperate attempt to justify my character flaws, but I for one believe it was written in the stars.

Thanks to my frightening lack of hobbies, I have spent my quarantine explaining to my friends and family why I only date Leos, am physically incapable of whispering, and talk to myself in the shower. Despite their obvious disinterest, my passion for misusing the word “celestial” has not been deterred. My research has led me to some definitive conclusions. Firstly, astrology is definitely horseshit. I identify with many of the positive traits of a Gemini sun sign, but the fact that anyone would call us narcissistic is slanderous, especially because I am, in fact, flawless. Secondly, astrology is commonly used to justify shortcomings. This summer, I was late to an appointment, and I justified it by saying, “Sorry, I’m a Gemini!”. I am not even sure if being tardy is a classic Gemini trait, but this leads me to my next point. The best part about astrology is you can pretty much say anything and people who have better things to do than google horoscopes all day will believe you! Anyone that has the “Co-Star” app knows exactly what I am talking about. My “Co-Star” frequently instructs me to avoid “afternoons”, which I have found to be very unavoidable. This is the same app that instructs me to “frolic” nearly once a week, and unfortunately, I don’t live near any Dutch flower fields and frolicking is way less fun on Pico Boulevard wearing a mask. The worst part about astrology is that it’s weirdly complicated. My strategy for dealing with all this complexity is to browse my horoscope in a quick, superficial way, which is exactly how I dealt with numerous theorems in high school math.

After my surface-level education on the subject, I now feel qualified to definitively rank the zodiac signs. These rankings are largely based on my sign’s compatibility (that I learned on a website that gave my computer a virus), but above all they are grounded in personal experiences that literally no one else can relate to. My rankings are not based in science or even astrology, but this is the correct ranking and I won’t hear any guff about it. Enjoy, I guess.

  1. Gemini – At the top of my list is my own sign. Sure, I’m biased but Geminis are nothing if not confident. Many of my best friends are also Geminis, making us a sociable yet moody force to be reckoned with. Also, before anyone says it, I get it, Donald Trump’s a Gemini. We don’t claim him.
  2. Aquarius – Coming in at number two is the lovely Aquarius. Aquarians give me intelligence. They give me trustworthy. They give me unique. I also think it’s funny that they aren’t water signs. Who decided on that? Probably some fucking male Taurus.
  3. Aries – I enjoy a nice Aries. Sometimes they are funnier than me, which I don’t enjoy, but, nonetheless, they deserve the number three spot. Kourtney Kardashian is an Aries and is the best Kardashian by a landslide. I will die on this hill.
  4. Leo – This one might be a little controversial (according to my Tiktok feed), but I like a good Leo! I might have ranked them lower, but my boyfriend is a Leo and I can’t take a fight right now.
  5. Sagittarius – Why are they so fun? I am honestly asking. What do they know that I don’t, and how can I learn it quickly without putting in too much effort? I would have ranked them higher but a Sagittarius yelled at me once.
  6. Libra – My dad is a Libra and he’s cool. They are supposed to be very fair, but if they are so fair, why did my dad not let me drink a glass of wine with dinner until I turned 21? Riddle me that.
  7. Cancer – My mom is a Cancer, and I promise you, she won’t enjoy her placement below my dad. Cancer’s are loyal and nice, but a little over-sensitive if you ask me. Cry about it. I would flesh out my Cancer opinions more, but then my mom won’t post this on her Facebook page, and I really need my aunt Linda’s approval.
  8. Scorpio – I am really scared of Scorpios. I dated one once and he was so witty and clever that my heart raced when opening his texts. Banter is the scariest weapon of all.
  9. Virgo – I don’t know a ton of Virgos. The one Virgo I know took three shots of Jack Daniels in front of me at 10 am, which is either really cool or really sad. Besides, I don’t believe in drinking that early unless I am still up from the night before. Since I don’t particularly like whiskey, Virgos are locked in at number nine.
  10. Pisces – Pisces are famously responsible. I am not! Henceforth, compatibility issue. They have calendars and things. What kind of fascism is that? Pisces are also over-emotional, and as a cold-hearted monster, I can’t relate.
  11. Taurus – I like a female Taurus, but a male Taurus? Hot button issue. I dated a male Taurus and he watched too much Rick and Morty a nd smoked too much weed. There, I said it, Chris.
  12. Capricorn – Firstly, I’m sorry. No one wanted to be at the bottom of my highly scientific list, but unfortunately Caps, it had to be you. Capricorns, it isn’t your fault. Blame it on your parent’s poor judgement regarding when to have sex. 99% of this bias is because my boyfriend’s ex is a Capricorn, and as a Gemini, jealousy is one of my specialties. Also,

the Trump children, Ted Cruz, and Victoria on The Bachelor are all Capricorns. So maybe, they owe us the apology.

I know what you are all thinking right now, “Holy cow, this list is so accurate and amazing!”. Except you Capricorns, keep your praise. Anyways, I have decided that my next time-consuming venture will be psychic predictions, and I think 2021 will be a better year for all of my astrology-inclined pals. Again, not based on science nor astrology. Just a tepid feeling.

Molly Doyle can be followed on Twitter @mollyydoyle.

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