Inside the Golden Globes Nominations Meeting

HFPA President: I now call this meeting to order! It’s time to review our Golden Globes entry forms.

Member #1: Great! Let’s start by tallying nominations for Best Dramatic Television Series. Based on a cursory glimpse of what we’ve received, it’s pretty clear that I May Destroy You will win by a long shot.  

Member #2: I mean, how could it not? The show is a sensation. Michaela Coel could teach a MasterClass on character development. 

Member #1: We don’t even need to waste time tallying votes in the Best Actress category. She’s got that one in the bag.

(everyone nods in agreement)

HFPA President: Okay, next up: what did FMPA like for Best Television Comedy Series? 

Member #1: Let’s see…we’ve got a whole lot of votes here for Dead to Me.

HFPA President: Omg, yes. That show was brilliant. A clear winner. 

Member #1: Speaking of winners…how many entry forms were submitted for Zendaya? She was incredible in Malcolm & Marie.

Member #2: The many hundreds we received are nowhere near enough. Zendaya is a national treasure.

Member #3: So, uh…did anyone nominate James Corden for his performance in The Prom?

(The room erupts into laughter.)

Member #3 (wiping tears from eyes): Sorry, sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. 

HFPA President: That’s okay. It’s been a tough year, and we could all use a laugh. 

Member #1: Well then, I guess that completes the Reminders List. 

HFPA President: Yup. Time to submit it to the accountants for review.

(speaks into a buzzer)

Hey, Janet?  Can you please send in the rep from Ernest & Young?

(The door opens; a female rep in business attire steps inside. HFPA President hands her the envelope.)

Here you go, ma’am!

(The rep nods and steps back into the hallway. She closes the door behind her and proceeds to remove her wig and plaster face cast, revealing that she is not a woman at all, but rather, Sasha Baron Cohen in an elaborate disguise.)

SBC: Seriously, how do people still not recognize me? I look the same in every costume! 

(He slips the envelope into his tote bag and removes an identical one.)

Well, I’m off to Ernest & Young. Let’s see what America thinks of MY Golden Globe picks! Hee hee hee!

(An office in Los Angeles, last Wednesday)

(Sasha Baron Cohen sits in front of his computer, rubbing his temples. He presses his finger angrily on a buzzer, and an assistant hurries into his office).

SBC: What is going on? The Golden Globe nominations were announced today and NO ONE seems to understand that it’s all a joke! How am I supposed to claim credit for this if people don’t realize they’ve been pranked?!

Assistant: I think everyone is just…really tired, sir.

SBC: I mean, I get that America hasn’t been great lately, but like..I nominated James Corden for Best Actor. No one in their right mind would fall for that. 

Assistant: People probably assume it’s bribery, sir. 

SBC: Ugh, maybe. But that wasn’t all I did. I withdrew Spike Lee’s work from every category, and nominated myself. How much more obvious could I have been?

Assistant: (shrugs)

SBC: For Christ’s sake, I nominated Emily in Paris. EMILY. IN. PARIS. In what world could anyone seriously believe that’s real?!

Assistant: Have you ever heard the term “white privilege, sir?”
SBC (buries face in hands): Good god…what have I done?

Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.

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