- “mountain sounds”
That’s when she decides your time is done
Guess this Sucker has had his fun
Fall to your grave you’ll be known henceforth
The late husband of the Queen of the North
If you were a teen in 2010, then you know this song is about Taylor’s former rockstar boyfriend, Joe Jonas. The Jonas Brother released the song “Sucker” which is clue #1. Joe is also married to the Game of Thrones actress, Sophie Turner (aka “Queen of the North”). Sources have confirmed that being catapulted off a mountain is pretty common in Game of Thrones. Does Sophie Turner murder Joe by throwing him off of a cliff? SOS Joe, Tay suspects you’re going to be brutally killed by your famous wife so give the hiking a rest.
- “dancing heart attack”
The British boy with the floral pants
Not prepared to say his last goodbye
His fans all watched him learn his deadly dance
Was this the watermelon sugar high?
Tay has dropped a few hints that this song could be about everybody’s favorite bad boy, Harry Styles. First off, he is one of the only “British boys” I can think of who also wears “floral pants.” A more obvious clue is the lyric containing “Watermelon Sugar High” considering this was one of Style’s hit songs. Based on these lyrics, it seems like he’s dancing, surrounded by adoring fans while he dies. Was he crushed by a falling piano? Did a former One Direction member stab him in the back? Literally this time?
- “vampire blood”
Everyone knows a werewolf is no match
When the darkness decides it’s time to snatch
You from this world and bring you back to hell
At least I saw that from our wishing well
After the very first line, I paused at the word “werewolf” because former ex, Taylor Lautner played a hot werewolf in the movie Twilight. While these lyrics feel very fairytale-ish, it makes me wonder, does Taylor Swift even have access to a wishing well? Are wishing wells expensive? TSwift also says that the “darkness will snatch… and bring him back to hell.” Is she the darkness? Does this imply a 6th twilight movie in the works? Personally, I think we all could get on board with that one.
- “deadly affair”
Was it worth it to keep her a secret
Don’t tell her you love her unless you mean it
Got me hallucinating like Donnie Darko
And the knife in your heart that’s the final blow
Donnie Darko was one of Jake Gyllenhaal’s first movies, which pretty much guarantees that this song is about the beloved actor. But once again, I’m asking myself, who is “her” in this song? Is Taylor Swift implying that she’s the woman in this? When these two lovebirds were together, Jake famously wouldn’t commit. Was she imagining the whole relationship? Gaslighting to the extreme! But then suddenly a knife enters the conversation. Is the knife a reference to Donnie Darko? Is that how that movie ends? Should I look that up?
- “collapse by fire”
They were slow dancing in a burning room
When she set fire to John’s last guitar
She ran like hell until she heard the boom
To think this started from that mason jar
Now there are several major clues that this song could be about Taylor’s former sweetheart, John Mayor. I believe John Mayor was her only ex with the name John who also has a song about slow dancing in a burning room, but you can never be too sure. Is Taylor implying that a bomb went off? Or that his house was set on fire? The least shocking part of all of this is that it started from a mason jar. Watch out for cottagecore accessories, John!
Is Taylor Swift implying that she’s a psychic? A murderer? Or simply a bitter ex-girlfriend? Only time will tell. Check out nevermore streaming on Spotify and Apple Music tonight.
EMILY ELIZABETH JONES is a humor writer and performer based in Los Angeles, CA. She loves writing about tragic dating experiments, her endless childcare shenanigans, and all the thrills that accompany being a woman. Follow her on Twitter, @EJonesy__.