Welcome, Devoted Reader, to the Rusty Springs’ library site, newly updated to make your life simpler and easier! Ready to read?
1) Click on the “I’m a Patron” eyeglasses icon; then enter your name, your 19-digit library card number, your mother’s maiden name, the title of the last book you returned (only the first five letters, excluding spaces) and your seventeen-digit personal pin number. (Don’t have an account number? Easy fix: Click “Create Account.” Be sure to have your passport, blood type, and high school diploma or GED certificate at the ready!) Perform the “I am not a robot” task (Tip: Enable your computer’s camera for ease of retinal scanning!), and get ready to order!
2) On to “Search the Catalog,” which will appear as the third or possibly fifth screen after you watch an engrossing civil defense “Drop Drill” video and also one on which PPE to use while handling library materials, followed by vital info regarding fines and fire safety when reading by open flames. Once you have agreed “I will not use flammables near any library resources,” make your request remembering not to use capitals or punctuation of any kind! Using only the designated font, be sure not to take longer than nine seconds or you will automatically be closed out of your account for five days.
3) When your desired title appears (generally within an hour!), check the “I want this book” box, using only the directional arrows on the lower right of your keyboard and NEVER the mouse. You’re done! Now wait a few days (up to seven weeks) for an e-mail with the news that your book is ready!
4) Once you have received our e-mail, click on your branch library and wait 30-75 minutes. (Do not attempt to refresh this page or your request will be permanently deleted!) Menus will then allow you to choose a 90-second window to collect your next read!
5) When you arrive at the library in your totally secured car (all windows tight, please, and don’t forget those masks!), follow the yellow arrows to the rear entrance of the library which you never noticed before, did you? There a faceless Ninja will appear from the back door with a sealed brown paper bag with your name scribbled in red Sharpie. If it is your name (mistakes do happen!), pop the trunk of your car and the bag will be tossed in. The Ninja will be wearing corrosive-handling-grade gloves, using only his left hand to close the trunk. We recommend that you stop at a carwash on your way home.
6) To return your book, simply call 1-800-FLY-OVER between 6:38 and 7:02 a.m. on days beginning with “T” and press #9 for drone pick-up from a pre-selected public park at a specified two-minute time slot. Once you are at the location, place your book (in a hygienically sealed plastic bag) on the ground and move away at least fifty yards. (The library can provide you with the proper strength bag at $12.95 for fourteen, plus S&H. Order them on the pop-up menu at the catalog page!)
Now, how easy was that? Thank you for letting us continue to serve you in these troubling times! Keep reading!
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.