Dude, you drive a minivan now? That’s totally rad. Think of all the bad ass stuff you can do with your new whip.
Take a vacation
Parenthood is relentless and you need a break. Jump in your sweet ride and you’ll be on your way to some well-deserved relaxation. No, not a road trip. It’s like a vacation, but less. Like a staycation! But less. It’s more like lying down in the back row of the van where you have plenty of room to stretch out and breathe amongst the smell of stale goldfish. It’s a vacation in your car. It’s a vacartion.
Drive around with all your friends, like you did in high school
Relive the glory days when you and the gang would cruise down Main Street, young and wild and free, with the windows down and your radio blasting Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me.” Only this time everyone better wear their seat belt! Also, now your only friends are your kids.
Use it for the side gig your entrepreneurial self has always wanted to start up
Ever since you took Econ 101 as an undergrad, you’ve dreamed of starting your own business. Now you can! As a minivan owner you finally have the capacity to start your pet delivery service. Only now it’s not fun, it’s totally stressful because if it fails, your kids can’t go to college. Heyyy, must be the money.
Park behind the school and make out with your crush.
Don’t get excited, it’s just your spouse.
Set up spy cams and wiretaps and use the van for surveillance
A perfect set up for capturing insider info that you can use in your takedown of Wall Street. It probably won’t work, but you have literally nothing else going on.
Everyone put on masks and kidnap your buddy Kyle as a prank, like they did in Old School
Totally rad movie, totally funny prank. One quick note though, Kyle’s wife asked that you warn him ahead of time that you’re going to kidnap him, because his blood pressure has been high and she’s worried he can’t handle a huge surprise. Just tell him that you’re going to do it, and where it’s going to happen, and what day and at what time. Oh man, can’t wait to see the look on his face!
Spray paint the side with a mural of your favorite band
Remember when you were younger and you wore torn jeans and raccoon eyeliner and you wanted to buy an old van, spray paint it with a likeness of Billie Joe Armstrong, and follow Green Day on tour for the summer? Dude, you have a minivan! You can totally do it. Except now your favorite band is Elsa from Frozen because that’s the only music you’ve heard in six and a half years.
Throw a tailgate party
Minivans have tons of space, so put the seats down, pop open the hatchback, and enjoy some barbecue, music, and some cold brewskis before heading in to the stadium for PJ Masks Live.
Get together with all your friends and their minivans and do monster truck racing
On Sunday SUNDAY SUNDAY, gather all the other parents with minivans and meet at the field by the middle school for an action packed, adrenaline charged motor sport event that probably won’t end well. It’s dangerous, it’s muddy, it’s badass. Oh, and you know what would be TOTALLY RAD? If everyone could just be mindful of Kyle’s blood pressure. So rad.
Kristen Mulrooney is a humor and satire writer. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, The Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, and House Beautiful, among others, and she is a managing editor of The Belladonna. She has too many kids. Follow her on Twitter @missmulrooney.