Iceland:

This place looks like a killing field and all the cops look like asthmatic lumberjacks. I checked and there are like 4 murders a year.

Sweden:

It looks cool but I’ve met a bunch of Swedes in real life and they all speak English better than we do. Stockholm is probably just a smaller, cleaner, better educated New York, no thanks.

Norway:

Everyone is either grieving a death or plotting revenge, plus mountains and snow. If all Norwegians don’t look indie rockers with rich parents (but not in the cool way) my brain would implode and I don’t want to take that risk.

Finland:

Darkness. I know the sun comes up every day in Finland but I’d rather go on pretending it doesn’t.

Andre Medrano is a stand up comic and writer. He was the producer and co-host of a monthly show at Friends and Lovers in Brooklyn that now streams via ComedyHub.  Twitter: @numberoneandre