For Sale. Used handcuffs. Never came.

Need roommate who knows the TRUTH.

Feet pics. Costs extra for trimming.

ASK: Back cracking services. Please.

Free dagger. Pick up ASAP. Cleaned!

Used bra. He said it ‘sagged’.

Fake baby. WILL make him stay.

Plates that are ugly, like you.

Freelance pasta (high rent) No bucatini

1 bed 1 bath co-op yurt

Mattress, cheap. Mark ruined us both.

Pride flag (I guess I’m not!)

Room for rent. Professional ventriloquist preferred.

Dad tuxedo (don’t worry he’s dead)

Free cat. I hate this bitch.

I will come over for $20.

Free vending machine. Don’t ask questions.

Wooden dresser, repainted with chalkboard finish.



Alyssa is from Philadelphia and is always cold. She likes overpriced coffee, audibly cracking her joints, and bashing the Beatles. She is on Twitter constantly, follow her @cakegirlboss.