CNN: 100% chance of mayhem with some violent outbursts. Scattered disasters followed by 50 mph winds of change. Extremely volatile layer of hot air over DC.
COMEDY: Laugh storms with occasional bouts of tedium. Excellent chance of bad puns, and watch for dangerous sight gags.
SciFi: Aliens this evening, followed by killer meteor showers after midnight. Tomorrow possibly giant insect swarms and inexplicable poisonous fogs.
Toon: Flurries of antics, then ridiculous conditions with some excellent and some truly poor animation.
HSG: A great day for gardening with fine chances of successful minor interior improvements. Later in the week possibly complete renovations with a few anxious repairs.
Cooking: Large and small kitchens can uniformly expect baking hot temperatures with frying flare-ups mixed with freezing situations.
History: Forecast calls for another rehash of past days’ atmospheric events: A tidal wave of WWII data and presidential precipitation, followed by drafty Ben Kerns documentaries.
Local Access: Expect high levels of soporific hot air with city council re-runs. Regional juvenile dance tornadoes plague the late p.m. hours. Air quality compromised uniformly by cheap technical values.
Decades: A mostly b&w morning, followed by folksy 70-80’s episodes. Look for more variety in the evening hours with occasional skits and now-dead singers. Possibly dead talk show hosts as well.
FoxNews: Batten down for a hurricane of malarkey with the occasional expected malicious alternate reality. Later, high pressure will produce ridiculous invective.
Buzzer: B-grade stars and ex-celebs abound in clear skies from the 70’s. Occasional gusts of trivia and plenty of bland hosts in plaid bellbottoms buffeting strained contestants with really bad hair.
Movies!: Stable pressure providing the usual surprise-free atmosphere. Repetitive conditions guaranteed through the weeks ahead.
QVC: Vaporous spiels with monotonous dense brain fog lasting for hours. Appealing moments darkened by eclipses of quality and value. Generally unpleasant with overly sunny banter. Don’t get burned.
CourtTV: Low pressure forms an angry vortex over the bench, while directionless squalls fill the air. Get out your shovels! It will be up to your knees before nightfall.
PBS-1: It’s a beautiful day for a neighbor in the ‘hood. Long intervals of puppetry with alphabetic sprinkles throughout the afternoon. No chance of PeeWee Herman.
PBS-2: More rain in England where continuous murders are still expected throughout the country. In the evening look for periods of ethnic cuisine and a deluge of foreign news.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.