Take Your Umbrella: Teleweather Forecasts

CNN:  100% chance of mayhem with some violent outbursts.  Scattered disasters followed by 50 mph winds of change.  Extremely volatile layer of hot air over DC.

COMEDY:  Laugh storms with occasional bouts of tedium.  Excellent chance of bad puns, and watch for dangerous sight gags.

SciFi:  Aliens this evening, followed by killer meteor showers after midnight.  Tomorrow possibly giant insect swarms and inexplicable poisonous fogs.

Toon:  Flurries of antics, then ridiculous conditions with some excellent and some truly poor animation.

HSG:  A great day for gardening with fine chances of successful minor interior improvements.  Later in the week possibly complete renovations with a few anxious repairs.

Cooking:  Large and small kitchens can uniformly expect baking hot temperatures with frying flare-ups mixed with freezing situations.

History:  Forecast calls for another rehash of past days’ atmospheric events:  A tidal wave of WWII data and presidential precipitation, followed by drafty Ben Kerns documentaries.

Local Access:  Expect high levels of soporific hot air with city council re-runs.  Regional juvenile dance tornadoes plague the late p.m. hours.  Air quality compromised uniformly by cheap technical values.

Decades:  A mostly b&w morning, followed by folksy 70-80’s episodes.  Look for more variety in the evening hours with occasional skits and now-dead singers.  Possibly dead talk show hosts as well.  

FoxNews:  Batten down for a hurricane of malarkey with the occasional expected malicious alternate reality.  Later, high pressure will produce ridiculous invective.

Buzzer:  B-grade stars and ex-celebs abound in clear skies from the 70’s.  Occasional gusts of trivia and plenty of bland hosts in plaid bellbottoms buffeting strained contestants with really bad hair.

Movies!:  Stable pressure providing the usual surprise-free atmosphere.  Repetitive conditions guaranteed through the weeks ahead.  

QVC:  Vaporous spiels with monotonous dense brain fog lasting for hours.  Appealing moments darkened by eclipses of quality and value.  Generally unpleasant with overly sunny banter.  Don’t get burned.

CourtTV:  Low pressure forms an angry vortex over the bench, while directionless squalls fill the air.  Get out your shovels!  It will be up to your knees before nightfall.

PBS-1:  It’s a beautiful day for a neighbor in the ‘hood.  Long intervals of puppetry with alphabetic sprinkles throughout the afternoon.  No chance of PeeWee Herman.

PBS-2:  More rain in England where continuous murders are still expected throughout the country.  In the evening look for periods of ethnic cuisine and a deluge of foreign news.



Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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