My Teeth Unionized. These Are Their Demands

Each tooth serves their own purpose. Collectively, the workers of the International Union Teeth and Allied Trades have needs that must be addressed by management and the franchise owner(s). 

  1. Bring molars, front teeth, and even the electric toothbrush to the table to openly negotiate wages, weekly hours, and working conditions.
  2. Ensure every disposable dollar is dedicated towards resources aiding in unpolluted working environments. Abolish refined sugar, citrus fruits, and pickles.
  3. Put good union jobs at the center of any major legislation proposal, such as Protections for Endangered Enamel or Dental Healthcare for All. The laborers are here to STAY and are entitled to their RIGHT to healthcare! Protections and insured healthcare for every tooth, regardless of age, ability, or creed!
  4. Management must join and enforce inclusion training centered around breaking down the biases against teeth living with fillings. 
  5. If you need sleep, the workers need sleep. Implement regular protocols for proper night guard insertion AND retainer insertion to support dynamic structures and avoid unnecessary overtime. Instances where either the night guard or the retainer were ignored, the workers have dealt with agonizing work conditions, including body aches, earthquakes, and volatile temperature fluctuations and sensitivities. Workers have ZERO TOLERANCE for these completely avoidable situations!
  6. The laborers demand the wisdom teeth be reinstated. They were kind and hard working men that did not deserve to get their entire lives uprooted. These workers are NOT just expendable skin cells that can be shed without care! They are here to serve you and the greater health of this ecosystem with DIGNITY. 
  7. Workers demand smaller bite sizes. All food components need individual attention from the teeth, and they cannot provide that level of attention and saliva secretion when there are more than 15 grams of food in the mouth. Please, PLEASE, never again attempt to eat an entire bag of Sour Trolli Gummy Worms in 5 minutes because of a lost bet or otherwise. Not only were the physical wounds inflicted on the laborers irreversible, but a number of them lost their homes. Currently, only 65% of the workforce operate in their original enamel encasing. This rate is UNACCEPTABLE. 
  8. Unless there is active consumption of ice cream, iced tea, or the like, the temperature in the workplace must be maintained between 79 and 83 degrees Fahrenheit, 
  9. The teeth orders the IMMEDIATE termination, without pension, of the tongue. This individual not only distracts workers and makes unwanted physical contact with the laborers, but the tongue consistently enters areas of the mouth where they are not permitted. When they are subsequently injured due to their trespassing, the tongue puts all blame on the teeth. This treatment is unacceptable due to the clear conflict of interest within the greater mouth political office. 
  10. The final request among the official International Union Teeth and Allied Trades is hazard pay when conditions are known for their high-risk settings. Scenarios include: St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, and clubbing in Germany on the last night of the semester exchange program. Even if outings like the latter are once every blue moon, it should be senior management’s number one priority to protect their workers in all facets, even if it’s considered “low risk liquid consumption!” GLASS BOTTLES AND A .08 OR HIGHER BAC ARE A DEADLY COMBINATION.




Julia Zhen (she/her) is an improviser and writer located in the Washington DC area. She is the founder and EIC of The Lunar Times, a satire news and humor site for all Asian Americans. You can find her work in The Hard Times and Flexx Mag. Twitter: @pinkydinky00

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