L.I.Ts and Jewelry

Dear sir, I write this note to you

To tell you of my plight.

And at the time of writing.

My situation’s not alright.

My record is black-marked, and you

Can’t come to visit me.

All a result of shiny jewels

And drinking L.I.T.s

Well, two nights ago, I found myself

In quite a jealous state

My girl was stepping out on me

And my heart was filled with hate.

I quickly thought the thing she’d miss

Was not our love, or me.

But she’d weep like nuts if I had left

With all her jewelry!

The trouble was that my nerves

Were far weaker than my plan.

But I felt like I could pull it off

After a drink or two in hand.

So I walked on down to the local bar

And the barkeep turned ‘round to me.

I asked for triple helpings of that drink called

Long Island Iced Tea.

Now I don’t know what’s in this drink

But it tastes like angel’s tears.

So I drank deeply of the mix

And it quelled all my fears.

I walked back home, all brave as hell

To commence with my dumb plan.

I unlocked the safe, ran to the car

With all her jewels in hand.

Now, my problem was the lines

Upon the road were not quite clear.

So as I started driving, I knew

It was a dumb idea.

The cop was not far from my home,

He pulled me over quick.

It wasn’t long ’til I got out

And heard the handcuffs click.

Since the jewels I’d stolen

Were mostly things I’d bought,

I didn’t care all that much about

the chance of getting caught.

But her mother’s diamonds were quite the gems,

And were never my property.

They cost thousands on the market

And they cost five years to me.

So, sir, please excuse my absence

From the workplace for today.

And for the next five years, as I

am sadly locked away.

My girl’s left home, I’m in the clink

With a splitting headache, and

I wish I’d never tasted of

Iced teas from Long Island.

N.B. Turner is a young writer living in Virginia, remembering and trying to honor his roots in Indiana. In between dabbling in poetry and crime fiction, he occasionally drinks Yuengling and single malt scotch while telling dad jokes. You can follow him on Twitter at @NathanTurner15.    

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