PODCAST EXPERT

“Just let me start by saying I loved you in that thing, the new one, with Ethan, I love him.”

“I know, he’s a doll, but really, I absolutely adore what you’re doing in this new creative space, it’s, for real, delicious.”

“Thanks for saying that, it’s just, I’ve worn so many identities… writer, producer, director, actor, winemaker, that I’ve found that stripping myself of all that artifice is very liberating.” 

“It’s transcendent.”

“You know, it kinda is.”

“Are we rolling on this right now?”

“Yeah, A.B.R, baby, always be recording.”

“That’s what I love about what you’re doing now, it all feels so natural, like it has such a natural flow that it allows the audience to really get to know you, and the people you have on. Like, it’s not like a canned interview, or what you get on the red carpet, which is, let’s face it, us being completely fake.”

“Totally agree, I feel like if we could all just sit around and have conversations like these then the world would be in a much better position for people to have a true and deep understanding of one another.”

“Well, this, you and this show, are certainly doing a great job at opening up a real dialogue that can bring about change for the better in the world… environmental, racial, whatever. You’re doing a huge service.”

“For sure.”

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Brief musical interlude to let the listener know an ad read is forthcoming.

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“Look, we all know that there are somethings that you’d rather not have to go to the doctor and talk about. That’s why HIMBRO will have all of your personal male products delivered right to your door in a discrete package. Whether you are suffering from E.D (erectile dysfunction), thinning hair, or just aren’t feeling 100% yourself, HIMBRO has got you covered! (Adlib personal experience with product.) Regular listeners of the pod know that my hair started thinning when I was twenty-two and that I stepped up and took action to prevent it. I wish I had HIMBRO then because instead of waiting around at my doctor’s office, worrying that everyone knew I was there for my receding hairline, I could’ve had my Propecia delivered straight to my door after a short online consultation. HIMBRO, it’s for hims, bro!”

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Brief musical interlude to let the listener know we are coming out of the ad read

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“So, Childhood? Good? Parents still together?”

“I mean, you know, it was midwestern-nice, middle-class and kind of boring. My father was a butcher at the Jewel-Osco and my mother worked down at the newspaper.”

“She was a reporter?”

“No, she sold ad-space.”

“Ah, so like if there was a special on prime-rib at the Jewel-Osco your dad could get a sweet deal on some ad space in the Daily Chronicle!”

“Exactly.”

“Sounds kind of idyllic, no?”

“I mean, yes and no.”

“How so?”

“Well, as you know, or maybe you don’t, I never know how familiar people are with my biography…”

“Let’s pretend I know nothing.”

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Mostly silent co-host chimes in

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“That shouldn’t be too hard!”  Both host and guest laugh heartily and banter back and forth for a while in a friendly sort of way.

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Segue back to conversation at hand

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“As you may know, when I was nine years old, both my older sister and my younger brother died in an automobile accident. My older sister was taking my younger brother to soccer practice because both my mother and my father were working late, my father prepping a large order of racks of ribs for an annual BBQ contest the next day, and my mother making some last-minute pitch-calls to try and drive up third-quarter revenue. Anyway, my sister had spent her day day-drinking and doing whippits with her boyfriend and on the way to practice she decided to try and beat the train where it crossed at Lincoln Highway. They both died instantly.”

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Brief musical interlude to let the listener know an ad read is forthcoming.

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“Listen, you have a subscription for your favorite streaming platforms, so why not have a subscription for your favorite underwear!”


Scott Mitchel May is a writer living in rural Wisconsin with his wife and son. Follow Scott @smitchelmay on Twitter.

Categories: Fiction

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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