God to Ted: ‘C’mon Down, Weather’s Great’

[Editor: This is a developing story. CNM will be providing updates when available.]

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New text messages made available to CNM reveal a bizarre, and unsettling, twist to US Senator Ted Cruz’s (R, Texas) recently planned escape to Cancun while his state was under deadly and frigid weather conditions in mid-February. The texts make clear that Cruz’s getaway was planned after an invitation from another infamous and perennial no-show—God—during times of immeasurable human suffering, exposing a bemused indifference by the junior Senator from Texas since 2013 and the OMNIPOTENT AND ONE TRUE LORD OF THE UNIVERSE, who has been and will always be. Hundreds of thousands of Texans suffered in near subzero weather that cratered the state’s energy grid, leaving them without heat or power while confined to their households in an already suffocating and dangerous year-long COVID-19 pandemic. Cruz and God remained conspicuously absent on the pandemic, as well. 

CNM has transcribed the conversation here, unabridged:

God: lots of room in the ol’ beachfront hacienda for my posse! Weather is freakin’ perfect! Archangels already poolside with 15 SPF and Ted Nugent at MAX volume. Call Lindsey and Jordan. Get the speedos out and c’mon down.

God: If you gotta bring the wives, then OK. Prefer not, though.

God: Oops. Correction. Michael says the speedo thing a joke except for Jordan. 

Cruz: Nice! Perfect timing! Thank you, as always. Gotta bring Mrs. C.  Not worth the argument. Can we bring anything?

God: Just yourselves.  I got a warehouse full of Herradura and Grand Marnier. Gabriel bought a 72 oz Ninja Professional Blender and totally psyched to pump out an endless supply of top-shelf Maggies!  Wait, Raphael says some wine and maybe a vegetable plate would be nice. Oh, and we forgot Kosher salt, so if you could, that would be great.

Cruz: Feeling kinda guilty about slipping out, getting caught etc… Any chance you can just do matter transference or something? Like Star Trek?

God: Sorry, bubba. That would be unethical. You gots to pay your way lol. Figure it out. And, really, I got you covered in the long run so who cares what they think? 

Cruz: Cool! Hey, I was thinking. Maybe I should invest in some of these energy companies before I come down?

God: A little late, cowboy! But get out of all crypto currencies, TOOT SWEET!! I kinda predict (Ha! Ha!) a correction there. Tell your friends. I would be in BUY, BUY, BUY mode on anything resembling travel and vacation industry. I’ll let you know when to get out (wink, wink).

Cruz: Will do. Whew, thanks, I was in hold mode. Can I invite Don to come, too? Interesting guy.

God: No way! Guy disgusts me. I got standards, you know!

Cruz: Got it. And yeah. Will JC be there? Haven’t seen Him in how long?

God: Good you asked. He’s been a little mopey about the whole thing down here. Thinks we could be doing more. I have him working a project in another sector of the universe. He can be such a bummer, sometimes. So, no. Maybe next time?

Cruz:  OK, thanks. Hey, if I get caught or anything, can I mention YOU? Like some kind of sacred mission trip or something?

God: No way, José. No one knows I’m down here other than JC, The HG and the archangels. Let’s keep it that way.

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CNM is in possession of more texts on this matter and will be releasing them after a proper vetting for accuracy. In a completely unrelated story, CNM has made a charitable contribution of $3B to the Catholic Church and is planning a company-wide event where all employees are required to participate in the Saint Patrick’s Purgatory, widely acknowledged to be the most grueling of pilgrimages involving three days of sacrifice including fasting, sleep-deprivation and constant prayer in freezing weather to ensure God’s grace. We have invited Mr. Cruz to join us. He has yet to respond.

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And we ask for mercy, just in case.



Joe McAvoy’s essays, short stories, sport pieces, satire and poetry have appeared in Catamaran, The Opiate, The Sport Digest, Timberline Review, Speculative Grammarian, Points in Case, Sensitive Skin and other distinguished (they chose me, after all) literary journals and magazines across the US.

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