6-7 p.m. News from Paree: Zut alors! From the world’s most beautiful city, Jean-Philippe Rene Artois Montfondue, with his alluring accent and haute couture helps you forget about ghastly global events even as he reveals them and inspires you to dress better tomorrow.
7-7:30 p.m. Steve Rique’s World!: Ah! Paris, City of Light! Explore tiny shops you’ll never find yourselves, overpriced mom and pop cafes friendly only to film crews, and then buzz the major historical and artistic sites in a haze between quaint hookah bars.
7:30-8:30 p.m. Mildred Chittham’s Death by Scenery: The dithering spinster and her dwarfish, curmudgeonly tenant solve yet another ghastly murder by garden hoe in her tiny hometown, the crumbling Wickenhamwichston, while knitting antimacassars for the church jumble sale. Post mistress Philippa finally invites constable Neville to tea at the cottage. A suspicious American attempts grave rubbings in the chapel.
8:30-9:30 p.m. Easy Peasy Meals in Minutes with Rachel Roofus: Today’s family fare includes simplified versions of bouillabaisse, braided brioche rolls, couscous avec escargot, and floating islands, all done in under thirty minutes with basics from your pantry! Guest chef Raimundo Cavalcavalero drops in with quick tips on indoor open flame cookery.
9:30-10:00 p.m. This Stupid Old Home: Special spackle event on putty knives, joint compound, crack filling techniques, and drywall repair. A segment on blown insulation (fiberglass or cellulose?) by Master Blower Dirk Gruntner. Bonus quickie: Grout: Cement-based or Epoxy?
10:00-10:30 p.m. American Kitchen Exam: Win friends and influence people with upgraded corkscrew-&-can opener skills learned from impressively uniformed hipsters. Explore utensils the uses of which you will only guess at on the exam. Tonight: A modernized Irish Scrimblebite and Early American Sausage Cakes. Les Moore reviews sauerkraut tongs.
10:30-11:00 p.m. Let’s Quilt!: Suzie Lynn Sprochert shows the Sweetheart Doublenoose Wedding pattern, explaining its intricate triple knot stitch. Suzie and guest quilter Maud Frick debate batting.
11:00-11:30 p.m. Watercolor with Wayne: Tonight’s scene is the Cincinnati skyline with Canadian geese flyover. Tips on using the brush to create feathers and cover minor errors in technique. Color of the week: Cathartic Ash.
11:30-12:30 a.m. Woodworking with Justin: Finishing the personalized pine magazine rack using the Benson attachment of the whizzing gizmo Justin uses while wearing his dork goggles. All about lacquers and decals. A preview of the next project: Decorative and whimsical 18-roll toilet paper rack.
12:30-1:00 a.m. The Apartment Gardener: horticulturalists Sadie Screemeyer and Billy Paul Oliver give tips for changing your window boxes for the winter, growing herbs in your bathroom, and the correct way to plant your bookshelf daffodil bulbs.
1:00-3:00 a.m. NOVA: Losing Kumquats: The far-reaching implications of climate change and the imminent utter doom of the planet explained through a discussion of the kumquat, its loss of territory to suburban sprawl and its threatened extinction due to air pollution and lack of interest.
3:00 a.m. Sing the Anthem with MaryAnn!: Station Executive Director’s wife leads a rousing but poignant performance of the national anthem before station sign off and Sweetheart Doublenoose test pattern.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.