6:30 a.m./PST/Earth: Awakened on time by brain chip. Replace vision orbs in sockets, teeth in maw. Ready for cup of Sanka. Finally getting used to crunchy, bitter typical American breakfast.
6:40 a.m.: Daily calisthenics rearranging furniture in main room telepathically, also silently so as not to upset disturbing downstairs fellow resident of Tres Palmas Manor. Her name is Tiffani Stringe, but it should be “strange.” (Ha. ha. I am absorbing human humor at last.)
7:00 a.m.: Remembering first to remove K-2 thorax battery pack, take daily water immersion like all humanoids. Purpose somewhat obscure, but when in Rome…(See? My use of American idiom continues to improve.)
7:07 a.m.: Water evaporation from body while replacing follicular skull coating and “styling” with “product.” Never divide hair straight down center for it is a risible aberration from standard earth aesthetic. No “part” or “part on side” only. Judicious use of “gel” goo to cement appearance.
7:15 a.m.: Array body in appropriate garb for workday: white trousers, white shirt with red “Glen” patch over breast pocket, cloth and rubber footwear. Paper cap in back pocket. Don’t forget “Gold’s Gym” hoodie. Out the door like typical American, singing the national anthem.
7:15-7:40 a.m.: Manually operate Kia combustion engine vehicle. My amazement at this Stone Age life continues!
7:41 a.m.: Position vehicle appropriately in marked zone behind dumpsters at Bill’s Bonanza Burger and have first Marlboro of the day. Exceedingly strange human habit but rather pleasant after a full week’s acclimation. Definitely important to the mission and must be continued.
7:46 a.m.: “Punch” in at antique “time-clock” and begin morning of sausage/burger flipping, hash brown searing, bun warming, egg frying, condiment squirting, grill cleaning. Co-workers Jeff, Ketisha, Annie, and LabroNah in fair temperament. Jeff slightly off kilter due apparently to some “bad stuff” he “had” last evening. Ketisha’s hair is an interesting sculpture and Annie’s physique continues to interest me.
11:45-12:15 p.m.: Today is my half-day at BBB. Ignite another Marlboro in my vehicle and begin daily transmission to mate Sannack via failing Kia radio, AM band. It now takes three fist bangs on the dashboard to get proper reception. Sannack continues to lament my absence, but I recall to her the number of porg credits we are amassing through my distant labors. Remind her as well of high value demarcation of acquiring our own habitation structure and requisite objects therein.
Ingest orally 1 double “Billy Burger,” 21 “Tater Pops,” and 6 ounces brown fluid, “Beer of Roots.”
12:15-1:30: Operate Kia to Harvey’s Food Warehouse. Must obtain for research several odd but common foodstuffs: Artichoke, banana “pudding cup,” blue corn chips, Slim Jim(s?), CornNuts (which are they?), and Windex. Will also replenish supplies at domicile: Birthday Cake/Bubble Gum iced cream, Mallomars, Bac-o-Bits, kiwis, Sanka, Fried Pork Rinds, Rice-a-Roni mix, and canned hominy (which reminds me of sneels back home).
1:30-2:30: Head back to Tres Palmas, stopping for Kia fuel and celebrating half day off by nipping a cupful of the pumped fluid for a treat later. Once home, put all supplies in locked sleeping room closet, better safe than sorry (another Americanism).
2:30-5:30: Disturbing but important television viewing assignment completed. Legal proceedings of inflammatory nature, groups of attractive chatty humans, mind-numbing juvenile indoctrinations, then news of local inequities and violence. Question: What became of “Kardashians”? What were they? Where did they go? Back to their home planet? Will investigate.
5:30-6:00: “Happy Hour” (a laudable human custom) with Kia fuel “highball” with a blop of Cool Whip and a vulcanized Red Twizzler stir stick. Most refreshing and encouraging beverage. Cannot fathom why fluid not sold bottled like the bland, fizzy, golden liquid so popular among human males in particular.
6:00-7:00: Feel my twinks running low (or am I just “mellow,” as they say?) and remove K-2 battery for cleaning and recharging in the large microwaving station in the formica room. Eight to ten minutes on high, then lubricate with Hershey Syrup and replace in thorax. Feeling tip-top again instantly.
7:00-9:00: Visual scanning by Fascan memory skullchip of the on-line Encyclopedia Britannica, vols. 1-5, and People, 1981 through 1991. Melding these two sources gives complete overview of human existence. Surely I have missed nothing with this method.
9:00-9:50: Run follicular skull coating and teeth through fiber cleaning machine downstairs with a full load of work whites. Dry garments at 375 degrees in convenient in-home heat generator in formica room. Let teeth, skull coating, and by now rinsed eye orbs dry on sink rack overnight.
9:55: Set brain chip to alarm position and release all cerebral pressure. Reflect on day’s successes and dwell a moment on Sannack whose lovely dreebams I seem to miss. Only twelve more years of service here, at the end of which time I hope to be directing all operations of Amazon and the U.S. Senate, and driving a Volvo. Will need new raiment.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.