Casting breakdown of a Final Fantasy leading man

·      Comfortable in half shirts, mini vests, and sleeveless sweaters. Often turtle-necked, maybe leather, rarely sleeved.

·      A pack of abs with a minimum of six, but not exceeding eight. Definitely not seven.

·      Bangs.

·      Hats discouraged, but not wholly forbidden.

·      Perfectly symmetrical. We will map you.

·      No laughing. If you have ever laughed at any point in your life, this is not the role for you. Try Kingdom Hearts.

·      No discernible odor or scent.

·      Actually, no hats.

·      Deformities and facial blemishes strictly forbidden. Including but not limited to cowlicks, widow’s peaks, crow’s feet, wrinkles, moles, zits, tooth gaps, skin tags, pimples, papules, nodules, age spots, ingrown hairs, birthmarks, melasma, eczema, blackheads, whiteheads, blueheads, cysts, and lazy eyes.

·      Scars ok.

·      Must know someone named Cid. With a ‘C’. Bring proof.

·      Smiling frowned upon.

·      White.



Josh Sippie:  I’m the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers. My work has appeared in McSweeney’s, I have an ongoing Fiction series (about Yoda!) at Hobart and a forthcoming humor column at Points in Case. 

Categories: List, Video Games

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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