OSHA’s Warning Letter to the Death Star

Dear Sir or Madam,

As you may know, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA), exists to protect the safety and health of employees across the galaxy. I am writing to you today because it has come to my attention that your orbital battle station is not equipped with adequate guardrails to prevent accidental falls. All employers, and especially those in high hazard industries such as Imperial planet destruction, must recognize and address workplace hazards. As an employer, you must be vigilant and always follow the long-established, common-sense safety practices that will prevent these tragedies. A copy of OSHA’s Space Station facilities standard, 29 1910.23(c), is enclosed for your reference.

You may think these regulations are inconsequential, but Darth Sidious’ murder cannon didn’t have proper exhaust ventilation and multiple troopers came down with a persistent cough while firing on and killing over 300,000 Tuskan Raiders. The affected troopers were not able to perform their duties for weeks, thus resulting in a 34% decrease in productivity, which translated to roughly 100,00 fewer Tuskan Raider kills per murder cannon firing. Furthermore, the institution of mandatory glove-wearing while raiding villages in the outer ring has resulted in a significant decrease in infection rate among troopers. Small adjustments to protect troopers from workplace hazards not only keep your employees in good health, but also ensures maximum productivity. 

Unfortunately, death due to falls from guardrail-less platforms is not a rare occurrence and the trend is continuing. Researchers on Coruscant documented 51 deaths in the last year alone. OSHA has found that death by fall generally occurs due to employer negligence, Jedi mischief, and/or lack of guardrails. Furthermore, OSHA dealt with a similar situation earlier this year on the forest moon of Endor. Installation of guardrails in key Ewok commercial centers has resulted in 62% fewer mangled Ewok limbs. This decrease in Ewok injury has increased available slave labor by 46%, which has resulted in record output in Imperial salt mines. 

Guardrails -– also called standard railings -– are the primary means of preventing employees falling to an untimely death as required under 1910.23(c). Specifically, all platforms must be protected by a standard guardrail on all open sides. This includes all platforms on space ships, star destroyers, shuttles, etc.

A fine of 30,000 credits is due immediately, upon receipt of this message. To avoid further fines, you must also make a good-faith effort to install guardrails as detailed above. Please be advised, failure to pay upon second notice will result in a fine of 60,000 credits, plus we will employ the services of a merciless bounty hunter.

With thoughtful planning and installation of effective guardrails, your planet-incinerating battle station can be a happy, healthy, and productive workplace. If you have any questions, please transmit a message to your system’s OSHA Area Office. Thank you for your attention to this urgent worker safety matter.

Please note, an inspector will arrive next week to ensure that the thermal exhaust port is up to code and that your Death Star does not have any vulnerabilities to Rebel attack.

Sincerely,

OSHA Droid 219, PhD, MPH



Kathryn Caves is a comedy writer based in New York City. She is a Doctor of Pharmacy, but please don’t ask her to identify any loose pills. 

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