Two Poems By Scott Cumming

Will everybody be fine if I elope with my Halloween episode Wanda FUNKO POP?

We can build our own Westview
And have superpowered FUNKO kids
Without hassle or scrutiny
celebrating Halloween in the 90s each day

It’ll last as long as Jimmy Woo and crew
allow. A love bound by your hex
If you can love a butler turned synthozoid,
why can’t I love you?

Those lacking vision will never understand
what those pink leggings do to a man
let us embrace in a dark hold
shut them out
and we’ll make the best Home Improvement parody possible

I follow the red lace
like wool strung upon a conspiracy map
my gaze lingering, persevering
before taking off in a quicksilver dash
lest I become just another enchanted Bohner.



Imagining Bob Dylan auditioning for a TV talent show if he’d been born 40 years later…

1.
Next we have Bob,
who has recently recovered from
a devastating motorcycle crash

Hi, I’m Bob and this is an original composition…

…The answer, my friend-

Sorry, Bob, I’m going to cut you off there
I’m not really sure we can sell this
Do you dance or anything on top of this?

Uh, no, but I have some other songs
if you don’t like that one.

Okay, let’s hear another then.

…Not that way, I wasn’t born to lose-

Sorry, I need to stop you again
Undertakers, organ grinders
It’s just not really working for me.
Anything else
Something brighter, perhaps?

…About having to be scrounging your next MMEEEEE-HAAAAALLLLLLLLL-

Bob, Bob, Bob!
That was a better song,
but the singing just isn’t working for me.

I can sing a little different too, if you
can give me one more chance?

Sure, sure
One more time then.

…Lay across my big brass bed-

Bob waving arms
Bob
I don’t think we can sing that type of song
these days.
I’m afraid it’s a no from me.
Guys?
Sorry, Bob, four no’s.
Good luck in the future.

2.
We have a familiar face for the judges
as he returns with pal Johnny
to try and compete in the groups section.

I’m Bob Dylan…
…And I’m Johnny Cash…
And together we are
Jobby Dash.

Interesting name, guys.
I recognise you from a few weeks ago, Bob
I’ll keep an open mind.

…a true love of mine-

Thanks, guys.
A very beautiful song,
but Johnny, your voice
overpowers Bob’s way too much.
Bob, you sound better than before,
but I don’t think I can sell you.
Johnny, I think you should audition
in a solo capacity.
Bob, sorry, but no from me again.
Three no’s and a yes this time.
Good luck, guys.

3.
Johnny attended a solo audition
He made it to the finals
But was knocked out in week 3
When the youthful audience
did not take to his rendition
of an old gospel song

Bob boosted the subscriber figure
on YouTube from 26
to a few thousand
and in an effort to make a meagre dime
switched on the ad revenue function
on the site
only for a original subscriber
from the North of England
who commented
solely
“Judas”



Scott Cumming enjoys reading too much to consider himself a proper writer. He resides in Aberdeen with his partner and two sons. Catch up with all his misdemeanours on Twitter @tummidge

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