What’s in Your Glass?: New Wines for Summer ‘21

Phyzeek Vineyards presents Xtreme Performance Red.  Finally a wine for the athlete who works out hard, plays hard, and wants a wine that does the same.  Blending hearty grapes of several varieties, this isn’t just Friday night happy juice, but a beneficial health improving elixir to aid digestion by feeding gut flora, raise metabolism by releasing fat-burning enzymes into the blood stream, nourish deep telomeres, and promote hair growth!  Look, feel, and compete better with just a 5-oz. dose daily.  Best taken post-work out at dusk.  Complements Power Bars, liver tablets, and raw meats of all kinds.

Pure Muther Estate presses for your pleasure “EcoWhite.”  Naturally sweet, organic “Angel” grapes, are grown under rigorous eco-sound conditions, butterfly-kissed and harvested by virgins, crushed by hand crank, aged in 300-year-old California oak barrels, bottled without metal equipment of any kind, corked with acid-free unprocessed hand-compressed swamp moss, and distributed by gentle dray horse mare carts.  By purchasing this completely eco-responsible, family-produced table wine you are not only savoring the best of Mother Nature, but you are saving the planet, one glass at a time.  Pairs well with fish sticks, chicken Rice-a-Roni, or cottage cheese.  No animals were harmed in the making or distribution of this product.

Twister Missed Her Vineyards delights in presenting Quicker Licker Sauvignon-Like Blanc to add sparkle to your McNuggets, Tater Tots, or any dish featuring canned cream of mushroom soup or canned french fried onions.  For rustic Trianon-style entertaining, serve in chipped mugs or mason jars.  Unusual shaped, recyclable plastic packaging provides easy storage in any small trailer fridge!  A little more potent than regular white, you’ll enjoy its 28% alcohol content and so will your guests!

Mad Dog vineyards unveils Rabid Bite Pinot Noir for the sophisticated wine aficionado.  Excellent for post-anger management class get-togethers, Its edgy palette of black pepper, cayenne chilies, and citrus, with burnt balsamic overtones, is volatile, and the bouquet recalls spent gunpowder.  This wine stands alone beautifully or adds blazing savor when served with Pasta Arrabiata or any flambeed dish.  Watch for heated discussions among good friends with this one!

Wal-vines, Inc. most proudly brings you from the New Wine Region of Arkansas, the best of summer with the aura of sunshine, new mown grass, and chlorine in Sam’s “Chabliss!”  Pair this delightful beverage with everything from Fritos to Pop-Tarts.  It’s your company’s-a-comin’ go-to!  Serve over ice and maybe even with a shot of vodka or gin to help it along some.  Versatile and refreshingly inexpensive, it’s available exclusively at Wal-mart or Sam’s Warehouse nationwide in convenient gallon boxes!

Prufrock Oenologists Consortium offers this summer their exquisite Grey Matter Pinot Grigio for your amusement.  Subtle, educated, and suave, serve it ever so slightly chilled and without food of any kind.  Sparkling repartee, informed debates, and meetings of minds, all these are hallmarks of a soiree with lead-free stemwarefuls of Grey Matter.  Not your Thanksgiving with the in-laws wine, share it with your most discerning colleagues.

Smiling Pitcher Farm is releasing for spring Raspberry Dream, a friendly vintage that will delight.  Sweet, gently tiptoeing towards cloying, this nectar of the gods pairs well with graham crackers, birthday cake, and even Oreos!  Only 1.7% alcohol, you’ll need to have a lot on hand.  Or buy the new freeze-dried version in colorful envelopes and whip up a Smiling Pitcher for yourself at home with plain tap water!  You can even over-dilute and give it to the kids.  Try it with a scoop vanilla ice cream! 

Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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