The CDC’s ‘Pandemiquette’ Task Force Answers Your Frequently Asked Questions About Proper Social Etiquette Once This Pandemic Is Over
Q. Is it okay to go outside?
A. No. You have been through a national disaster. Your wardrobe, hygiene and nutrition choices have been atrocious. Before resuming activities outside your domicile, please consider sending a photo of yourself to your friends and family so they will recognize you with your new COVID-19 weight gain and additional facial hair.
Q. Will I still have to stay six feet apart from other people?
A. Yes. And upwind, as well. Given the aforementioned lax hygiene standards, you will want to ensure that all family and friends have resumed normal showering and personal grooming habits, first.
Q. Will I still need to wear masks?
A. Duh, yes. At least until the mask acne clears up.
Q. What about shaking hands?
A. No. Shaking hands will be replaced by the hip-hop move Wu Tang or, if this is a professional meeting, the Running Man. Introductions will take longer but you’ll know who has the coolest vibe.
Q. What about hugging?
A. No. Not even if Chad from Sales suggests it.
Q. Will athleisure wear still be acceptable?
A. Yes. But only if you no longer give a shit.
Q. Will I need to wear gloves?
A. Yes. Opera length latex gloves are back in fashion. Accessorizing with pearls is optional.
Q. What about restaurant dining? Will there be new rules?
A. Yes. Customers must use their napkin as a face mask.
Q. If I use my napkin as a face mask, what will I wipe my hands with?
A. Are you kidding me? Use your pant leg or shirt; it’s what you’ve been doing for twelve months already.
Q. Is that all?
A. Of course not. Instead of just saying grace at the table, praying for a COVID-free experience will now be mandatory before entering any indoor establishment.
Q. Will I be able to attend sports events and concerts?
A. Yes. However, everyone will be required to do “The Wave” continuously to disperse aerosolized droplets.
Q. Will I be able to attend weddings?
A. Yes. But always as the bridesmaid, never the bride. And only outdoors in an environmentally-friendly location where everyone sits in their own tree and eats sustainably grown nuts and berries.
Q. What about office etiquette? Will it change in any way?
A. Nope. Expect the same old patriarchal, misogynistic, toxic and biased work environment. Only via Zoom.
Q. What about office affairs?
A. No. And that includes Chad!
Q. Will it be safe to travel on an airplane?
A. Yes. Unless the plane develops a mechanical problem, mid-air. Then, no.
Q. If a bus leaves Philadelphia at 2:15 pm, and Mom buys 100 rolls of toilet paper on Amazon, and duct tapes her kids to the wall, how many glasses of wine can she drink before she runs out of chocolate and her neighbors call Child Protective Services?
A. Take the train .
Q. Can I attend parties now?
A. Are you fucking kidding us?! NO!
Q. Who are you, my Mom?!
A. No. But we won’t hesitate to call her if we need to!
Q. Can I resume dating?
A. Not if you’re going to date Chad.
Q. When can I start acting normally, again?
A. No. Just no.
Nancy Franklin writes about life’s absurdities wherever and whenever she finds them. She has been published in The Daily Drunk Magazine, Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Points In Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Visit her at mirthquakes.com or follow her on Twitter, @mirthquakes_.