Beer Crazy Ancient Egyptians Were Conniving Masters at Flogging Tasty Craft Brews

Ancient Egyptian society wallowed in beer. Pubs dotted the sandscape. Pop-up stone coolers blossomed at oases. Brewers introduced the five-liter amphora and six-packs of repurposed camel bladders for takeout.

Competition for the thirsty drinker was fierce. Agents began to sign up pharaohs for name endorsements. Allusions to the gods became mandatory. Here’s the archeologists’ list of the top craft brews from the Middle and New Kingdoms.

 Uh-Oh-Osirus…truly a brew for the gods. You’ll join that select group around the top deity when you snap up a sixer of this heavenly elixir. But be careful not to offend the “Lord of Silence” by moaning “Uh-Oh Osirus” in his presence. Upset him, and you’ll soon be crossing the River Styx headed for the underworld. 

Mummy’s Little Helper…Queen Cleopatra likes our amber ale so much she often bathes in it. And now, she gifts us that very same leftover bathwater to give Mummy’s Little Helper the extra essence of royalty. A once-a-year special, this sophisticated brew’s drinkability will refresh anyone forced to inhale the dusty air along Memphis’s crowded camel paths.

Nubian Asp Gasp…A savage stout brew with date palm aftertastes. Not for the faint of heart. Produced to give a toxic finish to our eternal enemies. But some local warriors like it rough. And if you do, Nubian AG is right for you. Best consumed at the goodbye party before your passage to the afterlife.

Phar-O-My-God…That’s what the young Ramesses II can’t stop saying after imbibing this fresh brew. To caress the tongue, we infuse flavors of Nile papyrus bacteria, Giza sand fly wings, and a hint of camel sweat in this offering. Ramsesses II guarantees he likes it so much he is secreting an amphora in his tomb for that trip to the glorious Field of Reeds.

Giza Pleas-zah…This selection is the hearty reward for any lucky slave who manages to survive the workday after pyramid building in the blistering Egyptian sun. Best enjoyed sitting around the oasis while savoring a pot of camel tenderloin stew.

Sumerian Ferment…The alcohol in this one is not for the lighthearted. The recipe, imported from our Bronze Age neighbors to the north, produces a hoppy delirium that will jack your composure. Share an amphora before a night of pub and disco crawling on the Giza strip. 

Rah Rah Amun Ra…Looking for a drink that pleases the Sun God? Pound down an amphora of this proprietary blend and it’ll put you in a zone to worship him while lounging in the shade of a date palm at the Suez shoreline. Great for spring break oasis parties.

Schehera-Zowie…A pungent brew that brings back the questionable romance of the desert caravan. Fermented with leftover loaves from the Luxor bistros, this coconut flavored quaff will recall those relaxing moments listening to the camels suck up a load of fetid water for the next trip across the endless, burning sand.

Hoot-en-Toot-an-Khamen…The young king admits he was a party guy. Non-stop gaiety. When he was out clubbing, he enjoyed Hoot-en-Toot for the thrills. But be sociable. Anyone who turns their nose up at this brew might get a quick trip across the River Styx to the Underworld.Nile-Icious Lite…Ever had a hankering to skip the beer and dip your ladle into the meandering Nile for clear, sparkling refreshment? Well don’t, unless you are upstream and up-to-date on your e-coli vaccines. Instead, we suggest you stay home and indulge in an alternative camel bladder bag four-pack of Nile-Icious Lite. Refreshes without bulging up the waistline. 

John Hewitt is a Northern California writer with an absurdist bent. His latest novel Freezer Burn tells the story of a nearly dead ferret whose musical skills astound the industry. 

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