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1)   Sauerkraut Paws.   From the hard-boiled-egg plucker to the grape pincher, tongs make cooking a joy, and its about time we got an excellent  gripper/drainer especially designed for this tasty and healthful dish.  Octoberfest will be a little easier this year!

2)   The Fold-er-ol.  Don’t you hate it when napkins aren’t crisp-creased like a Marine’s dress trousers?  Nothing says “fine hostess” like a napkin fold so sharp you can cut jello into cubes with it.  This blunt blade makes your daily folding routine a breeze.  Simply press the Fold-er-ol firmly along your creases. Swans!  Bows!  Statues of Liberty!  All perfect now!  Thank you, origami masters, for sharing this tool!  

3)   The Scrambla.  This amazing device driven by a tiny long-life battery roams your frying pan, stirring up creamy scrambled eggs for one or a dozen hungry folks in a jiff!  Set it and walk away to do other tasks for your brunch like scraping the burnt toast, spiking the coffee, and polishing the ash tray at each table setting!

4)   The Moppet-Up.  Ever tried to wipe down the maple-like syrup spilled at the very back of the lowest shelf of the refrigerator?  Stooping, bending, reaching!  Leave those in the yoga studio!  With the Mopette-Up and its extendable handle you can dry or wet mop those shelves and other problem areas in your kitchen quickly and without ruining your back!  

5)   The Wise-Ash.  Wall-mounted and sleek, the Wise-Ash is the handy way to deal with butts in your kitchen without taking up valuable counter space!  NASA grade suction cups attach the pretty stoneware receptacle (comes in a variety of colors) right to your backsplash!  With a convenient cigarette resting strip, the Wise-Ash comes in two sizes, six and ten butt capacities. No more skimming ashes out of your salads or soups!

6)   The Fuzzy-Wuzzer.  The new darling for your fruit creations! 227 micro blades in a rotary arrangement shave your food in seconds:  peaches, kiwis, hirsute apricots and a variety of bizarre tropical fruits!  It won’t work on cactus paddles, but it can be used to create designs and faces on any soft fruit rind.  For salads or centerpieces, this tool will become your go-to every day and work utter magic at the holidays!

7)   The Trembler. How many times a week do you have to “shake well before opening?”  From kefir to salsa to canned whipped cream, shaking well can take up to .002% of your weekly kitchen time!  Simply place your item on the lower pad, clamp down the adjusting top,  flick the switch,  and walk away!  You will leave this work-saving miracle out on your counter (with your clam-shucker and egg-breaker!) and plugged in all the time!  There is an auto shut-off after 20 minutes in case you are called away to put out a fire or you slip, hit your head, and lie unconscious on the floor until the kids get home from school.

8)   The Stirmaster 2600.  Stirring is a chore we have all done too much of!  Now you can simply hold the motorized handle of the Stirmaster!  The spoon adjusts automatically to pot size!  With the free bonus pot rack you can hang your Stirmaster over the pot and walk away!  Perfect for those irksome but beloved risottos.  No more burned on messes, uneven cooking, or unattractive lumpy sauces!  

9)   The Scrubba.  Works like the Scrambla but in those annoying dirty pot and pants!  Reservoir with timer for automatic detergent applications!  Throw the switch and walk away!

10)  The Shooter.  How does this sound:  One-handed shots!  Like those sanitizer dispensers that drop goo into your hand, the wall mounted Shooter will hold any beverage you desire and dispense one, two, or three ounce shots.  So convenient for the cook who needs a little blast on the double!



Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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