Memo To All Employees – Monday, 10am
Most Gracious Artisans,
Greetings! We here at “aaah” wish you a most auspicious start to your day.
We are writing to you at this moment to address a small error that seems to have occurred in the app. It seems that what was supposed to be a soothing “aaaaah” sound, similar to the sound of one breathing out, has been replaced with a scary “aaaaahhhhhh!” sound, much like the scream you’d hear from a frightened character in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. But fear not, the engineering team is working 24/7, and we will rectify this issue as soon as humanly possible.
Once this is resolved, we can all go back to reflecting and contemplating how to be our best selves in silent composure.
Memo To All Employees – Tuesday, 1pm
Most Delightful Human Beings,
Salutations! “aaah” wishes you a most glorious mid-afternoon revitalization session.
It seems there is another small bug with the app. When a user goes to play ocean sounds, it instead plays the theme music from Jaws on repeat. This is very jarring to our customers, much like the issue we found earlier today, and our customers’ serenity and satisfaction is our number one priority.
This is a small error that our entire engineering is working around the clock to resolve as quickly as possible, so that we may all return to our cocoons of tranquil peace.
Memo To All Employees – Wednesday, 4pm
Most Gentle Creatures,
Namaste! “aaah” wishes to thank you for all of your hard work in resolving the issues identified over the last few days.
Unfortunately, more bugs have appeared in testing the app. The whale sounds track skips so it sounds as if the whales are in pain, the gentle rain track was recorded in the middle of a tsunami, and the sleepy time guided meditation is just Denise reading a recipe for chicken cacciatore.
Nevertheless, we love our human worker bees who are working so hard to fix these issues so we can have a smooth update release!
Memo To All Employees – Thursday, 11am
Most Incandescent Luminaries,
For a meditation app, this has been a very stressful week. That’s why we are offering every employee a free subscription to Headspace! Please take advantage of this offer while we continue working on fixing the numerous bugs found this week.
Special shout out to the public relations team for handling this crisis with grace and class, and a big thank you to our user experience team for managing this blip in the system smooth as silk. Everyone on the “aaah” team is essential, and we value your essences in their entirety.
Memo To All Employees – Friday, 9am
Most Courageous Scholars,
It seems we are being sued by Headspace for copyright. Apparently one cannot just “read their text word for word and okay their exact tracks, slap on a different design and call it a new app”.
The leadership team thanks you for your service. We will be providing severance in the form of free yoga classes from our next venture, taking place in an abandoned Lululemon. We thank you for all of your hard work, and if anyone asks, this app never existed. Okay bye!
Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.