Dear Martians, Don’t Come to Earth – but Please Bring along Magical USBs If You Do

An open letter addressing the buzz being created by the possible existence of UFOs – and naturally, humanity-ending aliens. Referencing The Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/mar/22/us-government-ufo-report-sightings)


Dear Martian,

Stay the fuck off planet Earth.

Actually, that might come across as a tad bit rude. Let me start over – could you please, please, please stay off Earth?

The ex-President wants your presence revealed to the whole world by June. On the other hand, the rest of us are less inclined towards adding ‘Aliens are real and they probably built all our pyramids’ to the List of Headaches Which Humanity Can’t Solve. It’s already got a biblical plague and the vices of traditional marriage on it – we could do without you guys.

Those humans who’ve ever picked up a book about space – or seen any of the Men In Black movies (even the bad ones) already know that you probably exist out there. There’s no need for any further proof. I have a few theories of my own when it comes to picking out who’s an alien and who’s not. Could it be … that Trump’s an alien himself? ‘E.T. Says F.U.’ would make for an excellent re-election slogan in 2024. It would also explain his willingness to destroy humanity.

But he’s out of the picture for now. I don’t think aliens would be too interested in Twitter. Who needs to speak in 280 characters when you can build pyramids instead? Thanks for those beauties, though. It’s nice to hear that not all of humanity’s beautiful creations are a result of indentured (human) labor.
If you’re actually keeping an eye on us from up there in the sky, I wonder what else you’ve been able to figure out on your own planet. Of course, that’s not a necessity, because our own scientific achievements prove to us that no amount of moon-conquering and mars-scaping can substitute solving poverty, stupidity, or the procedure for plugging in your USB cable.

Speaking of which, if you do decide to come down here – and again, only God knows why you would (unless you guys have been our Gods all along), I present the following list of questions which must be answered before you’re to invade our planet –

  1. Is there any inherent meaning to life?
  2. Does time-travel exist?
  3. And how the hell do I actually plug in USBs on the first attempt? I really need to know. My boss doesn’t take too kindly to the way I spend my time doing this at the office every day – he fails to see the bigger picture.

There are a few other things I would like to know from you as well. We can sort those out, however, when we actually meet. I don’t think announcing the existence of an Afterlife (or the lack thereof) from the sky shall be too appropriate for us silly humans.

Look at me, though. I started off the letter trying to keep you off our lawn. Like any good global (no, Universal!) citizen, though, I know the secret’s to lure the devil into your backyard before he gets to one of the neighbors’ homes instead.

Not that I’m saying you’re akin to the devil. No, it’s terrible to speak ill about your guests. You’ll realize soon enough for yourselves that the demons aren’t going to come from space. They’ve been on Earth all along – and they’re responsible for making those god-awful Men In Black sequels.

Yours sincerely,
A middle-aged man who thinks Alien movies aren’t worth the money

P.S. If you’re aware of a better alternative to USB cables, please bring them along too. My daughter keeps mentioning some sort of Blue Tooth, but I tell her I’m not the tooth fairy and ask her to bugger off. If we ever meet, I could give you some great parenting tips as well.




Abhijato Sensarma is an 18-year-old kid from Kolkata, India who’d like to be called an adult. He isn’t there just yet, but he’s going off to college soon – hopefully he learns how to deal with the real world by then (spoiler alert: he won’t).

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