Lower my heart’s BPM below “disco.”
Find a soft gaze to keep my pupils from vibrating.
Become one with these six disparate trains of thought.
Use lion’s breath to cover my coffee burps.
Let go of trying to punch up the rewrite on my novel, knowing full well I’ll forget all the edits by savasana.
Attempt the world record for most cat-cows in one minute.
Suppress these very unpeaceful warrior-like tummy gurgles.
Practice mindfulness by actively remembering everything that’s gone wrong in my life since junior prom.
Be aware of my breath but not, like “take a break to search ‘adult onset asthma’ on WebMd” aware.
Notice sounds, smells, and the concentric neon outlines radiating from everything around me.
Remember to blink my third eye once in a while.
Release my imprisoned skeleton.
Keep my atoms bonded.
Hold in this poop.
Whisper — don’t shout — “namaste.”
Switch to tea.
Adam Campbell-Schmitt is a writer and editor living in the NYC suburbs with his wife, a toddler, and a dog (in no particular order). He publishes Gut Bomb, a biweekly food humor newsletter.