Gummo Girls

In the wake of characters and films getting gritty reboots and origins stories over the past decade, for some goddamn reason Freeform optioned a reboot of Gilmore Girls in which Amy Sherman-Palladino will not be writing, but instead—I’m your guy. Freeform wanted something they described as “darker” and “edgy.” So my pitch is this: Gummo GirlsSad Times in Stars Hollow, where the only hollow thing will be the characters’ souls and decaying moral fiber. 

Inspired by the 1997 experimental film GummoGummo Girls will take place not in a tornado-stricken Xenia, Ohio, but Stars Hollow, Connecticut after being decimated by a particularly nasty nor’easter. 

The original cast is welcome to participate. Age doesn’t matter. Looks don’t matter. No, not here. The more ravaged the better for this adaptation.  

One of the main differences long-time fans of the show will notice is the absence of rapid-fire dialogue. No longer will we have to wade through line after line wondering if what these characters just said was racist or homophobic because I envision most of the characters to be wading through Benadryl and cough syrup highs where time is elastic. 

Never fear, though, long-time fans, many of your favorite characters will return. Luke’s diner will serve burgers made from questionable sources (answering the question of what happens to Babette’s cat in the third season) and Luke’s beloved nephew Jess will not be the free-spirited writer fueled by Vonnegut and coffee, but instead the free-spirited writer fueled by William S. Burroughs and barbiturates. Rory will break it off with him in season two after she catches him doing dusters behind the dumpsters. 

Don’t worry. Dean’s character won’t change; he’ll remain an abusive fuck.

What about the music, you ask? So, here’s the thing. The beloved Town Troubadour will sing Sleep’s Dopesmoker on a down tuned acoustic guitar. By the end of the series, if one listens carefully, you can string all of the troubadour’s clips together to experience Dopesmoker in its entirety. 

The writer’s room hasn’t quite figured out how to approach Rory, Lorelai, or the rest of the Gilmores, but we do know they can say goodbye to their money and mansion and say hello to reality. No longer will Rory’s toughest decision be which Ivy League school to attend on someone else’s dime or which privileged boy-toy to choose from. No siree, no siree. There’s going to be a lot of changes around here. You just wait. 

Michael Bettendorf’s fiction has appeared in a handful of places on the internet. Michael lives in Lincoln where he tries to convince the world that Nebraska is too strange to be a flyover state.

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