1. Flavored vodka. Everyone knows I love pear vodka, but feel free to branch out. How about gooseberry? Mango-guava-kiwi? I’m up for anything except juniper berry or lime.
2. “Black Widow” parfum ($300/oz.) by Raid for Moulaingeaux. They don’t sell this scent to minors. Do not get bubble bath (infection in a bottle) or dusting powder. What is it with that? Who uses it?
3. Size 5, French-cut silk bikini underwear. Almost any color: black, blush, nude, baby pink, transparent.
4. Mont Blanc “Très Cher” ballpoint pen, extra fine point, in stiletto black. Personalizing the clip optional. Oh, the 18-ct. gold, not the sterling!
5. Complete boxed set of the writings of the Marquis de Sade. He isn’t what you think. The man was actually a genius and so creative.
6. Life-sized photographic cut-out of George Clooney.
7. Kamikaze Labs, 3-oz. bottle of Hydro-Vitamin C Facial Sculpting Smoothing Rejuva-Lift Advanced Nighttime Serum for Parched Mature Epidermis, fragrance free, non-PABA, Never Tested on Animals, Ultra Advanced Formula. ($285. Maybe you could go in with someone on this one.)
8. Invitation to Meryl Streep’s next party. I don’t care how you go about this. You asked for this list.
1. Subscription to Saturday Evening Post or Reader’s Digest.
2. Complete, boxed set of “Life with Father” television show from the Mesozoic era, featuring Leon Ames. You have never even heard of this or him, have you? Just as well. This or anything like it, again, NO.
3. Thick bed socks.
4. Complete, boxed set of “Ann of Green Gables,” any version, print or video, old or new. No Ann period; or is it Anne with an “e”? Does anyone care?
5. “Rose Petal Kiss” foot lotion from Avon, or any foot lotion or anything from Avon.
6. A Dollar Tree or Dollar General gift card.
7. Shoe trees.
8. Any dusting powder at all ever.
Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong. Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.