“Researchers at Cambridge University estimate that mining Bitcoin, the most popular blockchain-based currency, uses more electricity than entire countries like Argentina do.” – NY Times, 4/15/21

Hello, fellow visionaries! I, an absurdly wealthy tech CEO, want to thank you for attending the keynote speech of the first annual DISRUPT, DISTORT, DISMANTLE conference, all about how we can sow the seeds of chaos and create a markedly worse world using technology by moving fast and breaking things. 

We kick off tonight with the latest in financial technology: Cryptocurrency! What is it? Simply put, It’s fake money that Wall Street and tech executives use to inflate and manipulate the stock market, in order to cause infighting amongst the 99% by giving them a false sense of wealth. And I’ve got great news -turns out, it’s also terrible for the environment!

How, you ask? It’s literally fake money! How could it possibly be such a drain on this planet’s precious natural resources? I’ll tell you how: crypto (as us cool kids call it) uses blockchain technology, which is essentially a bunch of computers running millions and millions of algorithms per second in order to process the transactions as quickly as possible. Those computers require so much energy to run, they could light up entire countries. All for something you can buy and trade on your phone! Cool, right? 

The 99% is whining about worldwide power outages and multiple major cities on the verge of being decimated by global flooding. Big whoop! I see the future. And my next private island.

Crypto is the next frontier in technology, finance, everything. While the income from crypto isn’t tangible, its damage to the environment certainly will be! You can maximize your carbon footprint and your stock portfolio without ever leaving your private, top-secret doomsday bunker. 

To turn nothing into something is one thing, but to turn nothing into something that then destroys anything in its path and turns it back into nothing? It’s truly a thing of beauty. 

So now that we know this about crypto, what can we do? What should be the industry’s move? I think it’s obvious: move all transactions over to crypto. Pay your employees in crypto – minimum wage of course, and never overtime. Buy your groceries online and tip your Instacart delivery person in crypto, a tip which you can retroactively take away if your kale is less than perfect, because obviously that’s the delivery driver’s fault and not the store’s or the distributor’s or anyone else’s. Buy your private island in crypto, which you will then run your shell corporation from because it’s considered a tax haven. Forget about the US Federal Reserve or the European Central Bank, let’s move the entire economy over to crypto!

Will it devastate the planet? Yes. Will we have to abandon Earth and migrate to Elon’s upcoming Mars colony? Well, we were going to do it anyways, so yes. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

If you want to join my crypto-mining company, we work out of an abandoned WeWork space and we will be shut down in 4-6 months for securities fraud. What do you say? Want to get rich quick and decimate the planet at the same time? 

Be sure to grab your Dogecoin swag bag on the way out, and check out the NFT exhibit in Hall C, curated by Beeple and entirely available for purchase. See you on Mars!

Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.