There’s more chance I read your novel than the information leaflet that came with my meds.
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My PornHub jokes never land as well as the ones on Rick and Morty, they are always tinged with way more desperation and sadness.
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Aw, man, but I always come up with my best shit before I take my pills when I don’t actually have time to write it down and now I’ve forgotten the idea again.
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Well, fine, I’ll just write about our stupid argument and never show it to anyone. That’ll show you.
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Reminiscing on the innocence of hiding illicit VHS tapes among your collection of concert videos and teen comedies.
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No, you’re the one who thought of the lit mag editors as mum and dad.
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Direct Message Confessional in which I slide into your DMs like an aging second baseman who has lost a half yard of pace and is unsure if he is capable of running for doubles anymore.
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I call people man way more on the internet than I would ever have the temerity to do IRL.
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Figuring out your mood based on how you say “Alexa, Stop” at a given moment.
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Is Man of Action aware of the 90s British toy, Action Man?
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The real unbelievable power of billionaire superheroes is their benevolence.
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The closest I’ve come to hard drugs is the Rice Krispie dust drying out the back of my throat quicker than a tab of ecstasy.
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I like to think I am the Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town of poets.
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Sorry, babe, my notifications were popping, so I didn’t notice the one true and loving interaction in my day.
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When they talk about dirty realism, I take it they mean dropping the kids at school unwashed, with bad breath while wearing flip-flops.
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When everyone listens, I do not speak.
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They say to take pleasure in the little things, so I have been having a whale of a time squeezing all the blackheads on my nose recently.
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Got my MFA and didn’t have to do much work for it. Master of Fuck All.
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I watch fight weigh-ins to see who’s heart is really in it.
Scott Cumming enjoys reading too much to consider himself a proper writer. He resides in Aberdeen with his partner and two sons. Catch up with all his misdemeanours on Twitter @tummidge