I love this trend of making months the “month of something”, and let me tell you, May is by far a favourite. Yup, I’m talking about Masturbation May. Best month of the year, if you ask me. Especially after a year or so of lockdowns, we need to remember life’s small but wonderful pleasures, those you can get in the comfy privacy of your own room (hopefully, nobody’s interested in watching you do this in public. Please, don’t).
Now, with this “month of something” trend also come the companies and stores that will try to sell you ANYTHING remotely related to it, even if what they sell has nothing to do with whatever it is we are celebrating this month. But we are humans and we are flawed and a part of us loves the momentary satisfaction of unnecessary purchases, so yes, go get your May sex toy. And since not everything costs money, pick one from the very general list I’ve just made below and get a solo sexy time playlist for free, made by yours truly:
- Air pleasure: you fancyyyy. Your playlist HAS to include Ariana Grande, Bruno Mars’ Versace on the Floor’ (you literally can’t go fancier than this), and add some Daniel Caesar if you want soft sexy vibes to end your session with. Don’t forget to turn the volume up, just so your neighbours know exactly what you’re doing (because what else could you be doing listening to Ariana and Bruno, tbh).
- Vibrators: okayyy we’re in the bold zone here. Small, medium or big, discreet or full-flesh style, your playlist needs some strong vibes to match with that full power vibrators have. I suggest some Arctic Monkeys (pretty much any song from their AM album will do), queen Rihanna (your choice here if you want soft sexy Rihanna or dirty sexy Rihanna), Doja Cat (you can go fully Boss Bitch, cause you are) and add some Bad Bunny just in case you’re feeling it.
- Magic Wand: old-fashioned but always good. You have to start with ‘I Touch Myself’ by The Divinyls, then ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ by Joe Cocker, ‘Give it 2 Me’ by Madonna and you can end with some Lenny Kravitz, for that grand finale (remember: Wands were muscle massagers in the beginning, so feel free to fully experiment with this playlist).
- The Rabbit: you want it all, and you deserve it. Let’s also give you twerking Miley Cyrus vibes, ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa, ‘Kiss It Better’ by Rihanna and also some sexy Kings of Leon songs.
- Up the butt: oh we surely have songs for this. Whatever booty toy you choose, you need ‘Oops I Did It Again’ for this moment with yourself. ‘Ass Like That’ by Victoria Monet (because how you got an ass like that?), and then you can choose your path: you can go with Bootylicious, Booty and Anaconda (do I even have to give names here?) or you can go slightly softer with All About That Bass and literally ANY song from The Weeknd (although there’s nothing soft here).
- App operated: EXTRA fancy. What can I say. You don’t even have to move a single finger. Play ‘Late Night Feelings’ by Mark Ronson ft. Lykkie Li the whole night, or that’s what I would do if I were you. If not, add some Lana del Rey, ‘West Coast’ would fit the mood here.
- Male Masturbators: probably not the best name but this is what you get. Also, you can pretty much use any of the other toys in this list if you’re a man. Just make it better with some Drake, ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ by Two Feet (very on point title here), ZAYN’s ‘Pillowtalk’ (come on, you know you vibe to this), more Rihanna (please), and depending on your mood I suggest you finish with anything from Cigarettes After Sex (most of their songs sound the same anyway, and I say this with a lot of love), or Sir Mix-A-Lot wonderfully sensitive ‘Baby Got Back’. I’m honestly not very sure about this one but whatever, you do you this month.
Siham Lee is a Chilean writer living in Glasgow. She’s currently doing a Mlitt in Creative Writing while writing short stories to keep herself alive and mentally stable in the midst of working on her first novel. The rest of the time she’s either rewatching Brooklyn 99 for the ninth time or eating all the cookies in the house.