Ooga’s Simple Cavekeeping Tips for the Busy Troglodyte Mom

Do you look around your cave, gals, and just want to primal scream?  But who would hear you over the cracking fire, the Jurassic noises from the jungle, the snorting and belching of your mate, and the general ruckus of your spawn?  If you can shoo everyone out, you can work style and ease into your dank domestic life.

Start with less mud.  Sure the floor is dirt, but wash off those seating rocks, clean the blood off your kitchen stone, wipe down the smoky ceiling, rearrange the boulders to create cozy conversation corners for grunting with friends.  Throw out bones, offal, tatty furs, those decorative stones you brought from the river thinking they would add charm.  Shake out the sleeping pelts and rid the fire ring of ashes and bones.  

Once your place is tidier, get to work on those new personalized wall paintings you’ve been dreaming of:  Big Gronky toting that brontosaurus tail to the fire, your spawn throwing rocks at the neighboring tribe’s horrid offspring, a romantic scene of your hirsute primate lover dragging you home by your hair.  Expressing your personal history this way will spark lively though incoherent conversations!

Don’t forget your cave entrance!  Make it as inviting as possible with large ferns.  If you’re good with the tool, whack a few notches into the arch to add architectural interest and distract the eye from bloodstains.  Remember: those impressed by your home are much less likely to attack! 

Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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