1. From your first encounter, it wants to know everything about you.

2. At first you really enjoy the attention, but it quickly becomes overwhelming and the constant observation is just too much.

3. You’re asked to share things very personal to you, and the longer you own it, the more frequent and the more invasive the requests become.

4. Its curious nature results in them constantly digging up trash you’d rather forget about, or at least not show to the public. Quit sniffing around!

5. It learns your habits very quickly and adapts to your schedule.

6. They get upset if you’re gone for more than 10 minutes. 

7. You’re constantly dealing with bugs. As soon as you get rid of one, another pops up!

8. Meal time is rife with suggestions and attention grabbing tactics. We’re hungry, right?! Let’s do something about it!

9. And you’re always being asked about cookies. Do you have any, do you know where they are, and can they have one too?

10. They’re always trying to figure out what you’re doing and if they can be a part of it. Are we going to the park? Are we watching tv? Are we trying to read a book for the first time in months? How about we do it together!

11. It’s always trying to gain recognition from you: at home, at work, on the train, even while you sleep. 

12. And when you don’t attend to it right away, it will come up with new tactics that are creative and increasingly intrusive to make you notice it.

13. They watch you while you pee.

14. It’s really hard to get a leash on it. They want to be free from yours or anyone’s control.

15. They want to be with you from first thing in the morning until you fall asleep at night. 

16. You’re never truly able to be alone. They’re always there, silently observing you, watching, waiting.

Privacy being invaded: 1, 3

Have a Dog: 2, 4, 8, 10

Both: 5-7, 9, 11-16

Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna Comedy and more. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or online at amycurrul.com.