Hi everyone!
I’m Barking Mad of Glass-Cock Head Office.
I just LOVE sitting in my underwear!
ANYHOO! Back in August, our top bra fitting specialist, Melanie Braless, made what we considered an excellent suggestion to improve sagging sales. She was not talking about brassieres.
She suggested that Glass-Cock, being a smaller, somewhat-stuffy department store, branch into the as-yet-untested-waters of MALE UNDERWEAR FITTING. Get ahead of the pack (or out of it, so to speak!). Her reasoning being: As women were offered such a service, why weren’t men?
HOW IN GOD’S NAME did she come to this conclusion? Good question. For a start, living in her tiny apartment with her cat Michael, she had nothing better to do in her spare time than troll the websites of men’s magazines and read their blogs. A common complaint, she observed, concerned underwear.
Around this time, we introduced “ZEM-BOYZ.”
Zem-Boyz offered an environmentally-friendly, padded “uplift” brief, recycled from biodegradable honey jars. It promised cozy support due to its lamb’s wool interior, beyond-sexy enhancement, and accommodation. And should a man’s thoughts turn salacious, the briefs would keep him happily and comfortably restrained. In other words, apart from the prominent bulge from the briefs themselves, no one would be any the wiser. It came in pouch sizes A through DDD, in blue, black, or for the playful “Hot Pink Leopard.” With an option of “LOCK-ON” strapless.
The trouble with Zem-Boyz, however, was a since-remedied glitch in the front-to-back seam, which was prone to opening clam-like and dropping “the goods” (coining the phrase “Testicular Manslaughter” by social media and prompting litigation). Additionally, as unfussy as men generally are about their clothing, they prefer the breathability of cotton over lamb’s wool. Because, as all men know, there is NOTHING WORSE than cooped-up, sweaty, and subsequently itchy, balls! It was also an expensive product, designed by the sons of the current Mr. Glass-Cock, stoner Lars and techie Vishnu, and we needed to move it.
What a perfect opportunity, we thought, to test Melanie’s idea: Hire “underwear fitting specialists” for our elite male customers. Provide them their own personal Gentleman’s Gentleman—a.k.a. “Jeeves-the-Butler,” complete with uniform. All the while guiding them toward Zem-Boyz.
At first, no one stepped forward. There seemed some doubt as to the validity of such a position. Then word got out and we were flooded with resumes. Understandably, fearing chaos in the fitting rooms and an uproar amongst our more “sensitive” customers, we decided against hiring women. And Mr. Blandshaw, of men’s shoes, as he has a history of biting!
Now to more serious matters:
Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that some of the conditions of employment are causing confusion and upsetting our better-looking customers. Unlike with bra fitting, whereby the fitter takes a hands-on approach when adjusting straps and testing the band fit, a male underwear fitter’s role is more “hands off.” Simply put, the customer strips down. You assess the pouch size required from a distance of three feet but no closer than six inches! You then determine the comfort level of the waistband—at back! Unless, they’re going for the “LOCK-ON” strapless.
In other words, it is NOT the job of the fitter to help him either into or out of it, as some of you have been doing! Remember, a happy customer is a happy Glass-Cock!
Next week, Lars and Vishnu are launching their mega-enhanced ZEM-BOYZ-2—in STUDDED ROAD WARRIOR. Unlike its predecessor, it’s made of low-carbon aluminum, comes with keyless entry, battery, USB charge cable, is linked to your smart phone, and is virtually hack-free. Its removable cotton lining is washable. The pulsating red button on the pouch, with its fingerprint recognition feature and zero-to-DEAFENING volume control, gives access to 24/7 tech support (Lars and Vishnu), who are eagerly awaiting your pleasure. While they can’t help you remotely in the event of a “lock-up,” they can sing you a Bollywood Song. Which is great for grooving in front of a hot date, or scaring off would-be attackers!
To finish up, as of next month, we’re implementing a new strategy, courtesy of Sam Hendleman, who works in children’s toys. Thank you, Sam! If anyone knows anyone under 4-foot who’d be interested in replacing the underwear fitters we’ve had to fire, let us know. Sam, a dwarf, thinks a person of his physical stature (not him necessarily, though he is thinking about it!) would offer a distinct advantage in this area. Although, the butlers’ uniforms would have to be made smaller. “Why kneel in front of naked customers,” Sam reasoned, “risking bruised kneecaps and a face full of genitalia, when you can stand?”
Thanks for your time, everyone…
SHIT! The key’s broken off in my LOCK-ON strapless, and I’m dying for a leak. What fucking lunatic dreamt up ZEM-BOYZ?! Oh, wait…
Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).