Self-Portrait as Film Etiquette

It is distasteful 

to speak during the movie 

n o   m a t t e r   w h a t 

hot actor appears on screen

(Yes, even Young Leo). If you must

“go potty quick,” leave 

unannounced. Do not mute 

a character’s dialogue 

with your own flatulent

babble. When choking 

on popcorn kernels, signal

for the Heimlich until someone

stops staring at Young Leo &

notices you. Be patient. Do not 

be a dingus & ask fellow viewers

to give you the play-by-play. Maybe

you were not aware, but we are 

w a t c h i n g   a   m o v i e, 

not ESPN. Pay attention. If a joke

tickles you, refrain from repeating it. 

Lest your fellow viewers miss another &

you don’t make it to see the credits, so

to speak. During the movie, 

maybe you should go home.

Anissa Lynne Johnson is a disabled writer and speaker from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Her work has appeared/is forthcoming in Press Pause, Wig-Wag, Drunk Monkeys, and elsewhere. More often than not, Anissa can be found walking in the woods or watching the sort of movies that *sigh* never win awards. Say hello on Twitter @anissaljohnson

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