Alternative Questions for the COVID-19 Pre-Screening Questionnaire

Finally! Questions That Understands My Truly Gross Lifestyle

We’re all sick and tired of answering the same COVID-19 pre-screening questions every time we go to the hospital because we slipped in the shower and fell butt-hole first onto a cucumber, right? We all want questions that ACTUALLY pertain to our normal, everyday lives, right? No more of this “have you travelled outside of the country in the past 14 days” BS. It’s time to get down to brass tacks and here are some alternative questions that can help us get there. 

In the past 14 days, have you, or someone you came in close contact with, been spat in the mouth by a German Mistress at a BDSM party?

Are you currently tweeting any of the following: 

-“masks don’t work”

-“the flu kills more people”

-“lockdowns are a violation of my civil rights”

-anything that mentions “Wuhan flu”

Are you a baseball umpire who’s gotten into a nose-to-nose yelling match with a general manager about a way-too-close to call homerun in the past 10 days?

In the past 14 days, have you been on public transportation for literally any length of time?

Do you do any of the following:

-wear your mask below you nose

-wear your mask on your chin

-wear your mask hanging from one ear

-don’t wear your mask at all

In the past 10 days, have you, or someone you came in close contact with, been swirly-ed in a highschool bathroom because you/they drove your/their dad’s Ford Fiesta to school?

In the past 14 days, have you come into close contact with someone who worked out with Tom Brady in downtown, Tampabay?  

Are you the person who has to clean Joey Diaz’s dash and centre console after he spit-yells in rage because someone cut him off? 

In the past 10 days, has your employer notified you that one of your co-workers attended the sold-out UFC event in Jacksonville? Or, for that matter, have been in Jacksonville for any reason at all?   

Brett Skalicky. Age: 23. Height: 5’11 3/4. Weight: 162 pounds, or, 13 phone books. Tattoos: Yes, 7, all of them of the neck variety. Thigh width: 32 cm. Thigh height: 52 cm. Was in consideration for season 7 of Wipeout but never made the cut.                  

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