Regarding Dolph Lundgren’s Untamed Torso

The Swedish Behemoth, more commonly known as

            Dolph

is galloping about Little Tokyo with his pecks unsaddled

and his abs unsheathed and

you have to wonder why but in

his defense, you can’t find shirts that size

on a whim.

            Dolph

can’t go home to

re-shirt

every time he survives an explosion that torches everything

but his britches and his hair.

I know guys that choose to wear no shirt because

they like to wear no shirt because

they think they’re something

They think they’re

            Dolph

But only

            Dolph 

is

            Dolph

and

if you offered him a shirt, he’d take it. He

has common decency, even when single-handedly

dismantling the Yakuza.

But the people that willing opt-out of a shirt,

that want to showcase what they have because they

think people want to see but they

aren’t taking down the Yakuza

they’re doing bicep curls in the mirror and

selfying

            Dolph

doesn’t selfy

but even if he did, he is distinctly

            Dolph

and not you or me

You see, there are human beings

then there are

            Dolph

beings and if you’ve seen

            Dolph

you can never unsee

            Dolph

and

            Dolph

knows this, so rather than ham himself like a muscle whore,

he does only what is necessary

he never flexes, maybe but not exclusively because

his muscles are perpetually flexed and any more

would risk throwing off the gravitation balance of the solar system and

            Dolph

knows this, so he is a responsible resident of the universe

arguably more than you or me even though he is

clearly a superior being than you or me because he is

            Dolph

in case you haven’t heard.

So next time you see

            Dolph

without a shirt remember that it is only ever

done by necessity and let me tell you,

Little Tokyo needs

            Dolph




Josh Sippie: I’m the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers. My work has appeared in McSweeney’s, I have an ongoing Fiction series (about Yoda!) at Hobart and a forthcoming humor column at Points in Case. 

Categories: Film, Poetry

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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