when Spongebob walked up to
the Salty Spitoon and demanded entry
when he went to weenie hut general
and the supersized variety,
no one ever thought to ask
who even owns the Salty Spitoon
who is so tough that they can evaluate
another’s toughness
and that’s because everyone knows
who owns the Salty Spitoon
It’s
Dolph
it could only ever be
Dolph
and no one mentions him by name because
his name isn’t needed
even in the aquatic social circles
of general toughness
and all-around
bad-assness,
there is only one name that stands
toughest of all
and it isn’t
Reg or
Sandy or
Tom, Dick, Harry, He-Man or Hercules
it is
Dolph
and only
Dolph
because only
Dolph
can establish such an establishment
can build such a fortress of man-made menace
can demand such attribution from
eager weenies trying to get in,
denying them for the sake of asserting
authority, as one with such
pectorals is allowed to do
but out of his generosity, some
like Reg
and the dancing seahorse guy
are granted access to
a slice of the meat pie of rippling satisfaction
known as the Salty Spitoon
within which resides the aura of
Dolph
since he can’t be there all the time
I mean
the guy has a busy schedule as the
tough guy extraordinaire,
muscle man McGee
mover of worlds, shaker of realities
all such things that no one else
could ever be,
but then again, in the light of
Dolph
aren’t we all super weenies
living in our own Super Weenie Hut Jr’s
wondering why our ice cream is melting
and not worrying about why the Yakuza have
infiltrated the Krusty Krab
That’s for people like
Dolph,
undersea code name Salty,
to sort out
while we sprinkle rainbow confetti on our
sundaes,
weenies to the end
Josh Sippie: I’m the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers. My work has appeared in McSweeney’s, I have an ongoing Fiction series (about Yoda!) at Hobart and a forthcoming humor column at Points in Case.