Dolph Lundgren founded the Salty Spitoon while we were chilling at Weenie Hut General

when Spongebob walked up to

the Salty Spitoon and demanded entry

when he went to weenie hut general

and the supersized variety,

no one ever thought to ask

who even owns the Salty Spitoon

who is so tough that they can evaluate 

another’s toughness

and that’s because everyone knows

who owns the Salty Spitoon



it could only ever be


and no one mentions him by name because

his name isn’t needed

even in the aquatic social circles

of general toughness

and all-around


there is only one name that stands

toughest of all

and it isn’t

Reg or

Sandy or

Tom, Dick, Harry, He-Man or Hercules

it is


and only


because only


can establish such an establishment

can build such a fortress of man-made menace

can demand such attribution from

eager weenies trying to get in,

denying them for the sake of asserting

authority, as one with such

pectorals is allowed to do

but out of his generosity, some

like Reg

and the dancing seahorse guy

are granted access to

a slice of the meat pie of rippling satisfaction

known as the Salty Spitoon

within which resides the aura of


since he can’t be there all the time

I mean

the guy has a busy schedule as the

tough guy extraordinaire,

muscle man McGee

mover of worlds, shaker of realities

all such things that no one else

could ever be,

but then again, in the light of


aren’t we all super weenies

living in our own Super Weenie Hut Jr’s

wondering why our ice cream is melting

and not worrying about why the Yakuza have

infiltrated the Krusty Krab

That’s for people like


undersea code name Salty,

to sort out

while we sprinkle rainbow confetti on our

weenies to the end

Josh Sippie: I’m the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers. My work has appeared in McSweeney’s, I have an ongoing Fiction series (about Yoda!) at Hobart and a forthcoming humor column at Points in Case. 

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