If you act now, we’ll throw in this lovely tote bag.

If you act two minutes from now, we’ll throw in this lovely teacup poodle.

If you act two and a HALF minutes from now, we’ll throw in an actual teacup to put the poodle IN. Fun!

If you act two and three quarters minutes from now, we’ll throw in a spoon to go with the teacup.

If you act four whole minutes from now, we’ll throw in a fork to go with the spoon. But not just ANY fork; a TWO-TINED fork! It was first introduced to Western Europe in the 11th century, when a Venetian doge wed a Byzantine princess who brought her weird foreign Byzantine fork habits with her. Immigrants, am I right? Even as late as the 1600s, forks were considered to be an affectation of the wealthy and they were frowned upon by the Church. Neat!

If you act four and a half minutes from now, we’ll throw in a nice Georgian silver marrow scoop. Do you even know what that is? You don’t? Well, stupid, it’s an eating utensil used to elegantly dig the marrow out of a roasted bone. Bone marrow. Yum!

If you act five minutes from now, we’ll throw in a house for you to put all your new silverware in. But not just ANY house; a BOUNCY house! Or would you prefer a bouncy CASTLE?

If you act sometime in the past via the miracle of time travel, we’ll throw in this steampunk version of a cell phone. Call someone on it while visiting the Old West. They’ll think you’re a witch and set you on fire. Ouch!

If you act 100 years in the future, we’ll throw in a thermite grenade so you can kill the evil robot overlords who will have conquered the planet by then.

If you act 5,000 years in the future, we’ll throw in a gleaming metallic spaceship so you can sit inside it safely and hover above the Earth, watching from a distance as the marauding hordes of hideously deformed nuclear mutants from warring tribes tear each other limb from limb. Oh the carnage!

If you act a billion years in the future, we’ll throw in an invisible space-orb which acts like a mobile force field with limited range. It should allow you to watch safely as the planet you call Earth is reduced to a flaming cinder when it’s gobbled up by the sun as the latter goes supernova all over the place.

If you act countless eons in the future, all the way at the very end of time, after all matter AND antimatter in the universe has been destroyed and there is nothing left but an endless expanse of nothingness, we’ll throw in this lovely MONOGRAMMED tote bag.




Arie Kaplan is a comedy writer. His work has been published in MAD Magazine, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, and National Lampoon. Arie’s television comedy writing credits include World’s Dumbest (TruTV), Cyberchase (PBS Kids), and Codename: Kids Next Door (Cartoon Network). Find him on Twitter @ariekaplan or at www.ariekaplan.com.