How to Get Out of Plans Now that You’re Vaccinated

(Blaming COVID is especially difficult now that you shared your vaccine selfie.)

“Now that we’re vaccinated, we can—“

Hold it right there, partner.

Many of us have dreaded this fateful day. While we are technically allowed to see each other, that doesn’t mean we want to. COVID was the perfect excuse to fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming an undiscoverable bog witch, and whoopsie, now you’re agoraphobic.

I get it, and I got you.

Here are some perfectly acceptable excuses to use to get out of plans, even if you’re vaccinated:

– Your IBS is acting up.

– Your toilet is overflowing because of said IBS.

– “Wait, that was supposed to be tonight?”

– You’re having a herpes flare and you’re too embarrassed to be seen.

– You accidentally got on a plane.

– You tried to get off the plane but the flight attendant hates Friends and doesn’t believe in true love so guess you’re going to Paris!

– Your mom said you have to stay in tonight.

– “I’m feeling like I have to vomit and I would really prefer to not vomit on you.”

– “It’s laundry night and I would prefer not to freeball it to the AMC.”

– Blame work.

– Blame a kid.

– Blame a spouse.

– Blame a pet.

– Blame your pet, who is also your spouse, for biting your kid, causing you to get backed up on work.

– “You want me to take an Uber? In this economy?”

– Claim you’re not actually vaccinated yet (“I was feeling left out so I took a picture with a band-aid so people would think I was cool.”)

– You got MRSA.

– Your sister was attacked by a chicken and she needs you.

– Someone died. Probably a cousin.

– “Now that my grandma’s vaxed she’s insisting I let her crash on my couch and really, I don’t trust her in my house by herself.”

– “There’s a bird in my house, so I can’t just leave him alone, right?”

– “I’m so tired that you’re gonna have to Weekend at Bernie’s me if you want to hang out.”

– “Everything hurts and I’m dying.”

– You just rediscovered Neopets and have to participate in the Altador Cup if you want to earn a trophy.

– “I just realized I’m actually quite poor.”

– Your spouse is doing his Joe Exotic cosplay and you promised you would be his tiger.

– You have to go to the ER because you were experimenting with rectum-shaped vegetables.

– You’ve decided to Billy Madison yourself and, unfortunately, it’s a school night.

– Be honest and tell them you’re just not interested (lol yeah, right).

April Yanko is a writer and actor living in Los Angeles, but is originally a Yinzer from Pittsburgh. She is a lover of animation, reading, pasta, and her three cat sons. You can see more of April’s random crap at

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