Movies as seen by Henry

Ridiculous moments in movies that have never bothered Henry: 

CGI Brad Pitt being hit not once but twice by speeding cars

Henry’s okay with this – why wouldn’t the Grim Reaper flollop like a hooked fish when meeting his end? 

Russell Crowe’s crotch splat sound effect in Les Mis

Who knows what Russell Crowe’s crotch sounds like? 

Maybe not even Russell Crowe. Has anyone asked him? 

That fight that goes on forever in They Live

Because it’s a movie about excess, right? 

Who’d want it any other way? 

You’ve got to get through the popcorn, haven’t you? 

James Bond’s invisible car in Die Another Day

Henry would like to see you prove that there aren’t invisible cars. 

Go on, point to one right now, why don’t you? 

Nicolas Cage in a bear outfit

Was there ever a better use for him? 

If nothing else, it gives rise to the perfect gag: 

Why put a bear in a cage when you can put a Cage in a bear? 

What does bother Henry every single time he sees it, and should damn well bother you, too: 

That thing people do with letters in movies. 

Oh, you know the thing. 

You’ve seen it, and you give them a pass every time? 

Out comes the letter with the plot on it, and character A puts it down on the desk, 

And it’s upside down

So the camera can see it. 

And he can’t read a word. 

How are you supposed to believe a single thing after that? 


Mike Hickman (@MikeHicWriter) is a writer from York, England. He has written for Off the Rock Productions (stage and audio), including 2018’s “Not So Funny Now” about Groucho Marx and Erin Fleming. He has recently been published in EllipsisZine, Dwelling Literary, Bandit Fiction, Nymphs, Flash Fiction Magazine, Brown Bag, and Red Fez. His co-written, completed six-part BBC radio sit com remains frustratingly as unproduced as it was the last time he updated this biography. Even so, it’s going on hiatus over the summer. Not least because it’s now taking longer to think up these running gags than it would be to make it himself.

Categories: Poetry

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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