A Spoiler-Free Wrap-Up of the Final Episode of Loki

Hello. I’m an internet comics journalist. I probably write for CBR or some shit and this will show up between a top ten list of all the times Naruto didn’t give a fuck about his sister’s clinical depression and a ten word article about how maybe Jimmy Buffett will be Galactus because someone thought a bird whispered it and the bird lives on Kevin Feige’s third cousin’s houseboat. But you’re not here to watch me justify my alcoholism. Let’s get down to the dang business. The Disney+ series, Loki, is over. We had laughs. We cried when that thing happened. I mean, wow. It really set the stage for every MCU film going forward. It was, if you’ll forgive me, MARVELous *insert sound of gunshot*. If you haven’t watched it yet, you must be crazy. My recommendation is to go into this episode blind. You’ll thank me later. Please take me seriously as a journalist. I went to college.

Anyway, here’s everything that happened:

  • Alligator Loki finds a gun.
  • Mobius is Owen Wilson.
  • Something something Doctor Who blah blah Titanic doesn’t sink and also it runs over Hitler.
  • Bird Pervert.
  • Hunter B-15 was Hunter B-17 THE WHOLE TIME.
  • Kid Loki chooses not to go with the cool frat on the panty raid partially because he hates that word but also mostly because he remembers it’s fucking 2021. 
  • After another mass shooting, Old Loki decides it’s time to give up his gun collection.
  • The stimulus check finally arrives.
  • We find out the dog is evil because it has shifty eyes. I straight up stole this from The Simpsons.
  • I forgot about regular Loki.
  • The evil heads of the TVA are actually Confederate Monuments and Jesus Christ it took six episodes to make this point.
  • Alligator Loki gets a katana and moves to a mansion in Louisiana that he inherited from Scott Bakula or something and solves the supernatural mysteries of the Bayou. It’s basically Cajun Devil May Cry. Coming next week.
  • Here are all the new Lokis they introduce:
    • Carpenter Loki
    • Cowboy Loki
    • Some Like it Hot Loki
    • On Fire All the Time and He Can Feel It Loki
    • Too Spicy for TV Loki
    • Double Loki
    • Triple Loki
    • Throuple Loki
    • Beefy Firefighter Calendar Loki
    • Too Rich for My Blood Loki
    • Blood Loki
    • Aaahh!!! Real Loki
    • That Mimic From Annihilation Loki
    • That Kind of Bear Thing Also From Annihilation Loki
    • NataLoki PortLokiman Loki
    • Pokémon Trainer Loki
    • Shang-Chi Loki
    • Barber Rick
  • Kid Loki plays Elden Ring.
  • President Loki is actually…Prime Minister Loki?!
  • Loki finally pronounces “Salmon” correctly.
  • Someone was dead the whole time. I don’t know. I was preheating my oven for pizza rolls.
  • Sylvie sneaks onto the English National Men’s Soccer Team. They win the 2021 UEFA Euro. FoOtbaLl’S cOMiNg hOme. 
  • Hunter B-15 remembers her Twitter password.
  • Miss Minutes passes her kidney stone.
  • The Falcon got a new costume. 
  • Loki successfully enters the giant head cheat code. Funny.
  • I finish the Dark Souls 3 DLC. Now that’s a fucking twist.
  • Loki wins, probably.
  • They bought a zoo. After their purchase, they look at each other in complete silence. Fade to black. Executive Producer Dick Wolf.
  • The real Loki was in us all along. In our hearts and minds. Other places maybe. 
  • In the post-credits stinger, we see Loki graphically and painfully giving birth. It’s a baby in full Moon Knight costume. They absolutely fuck up his origin. I send death threats to a key grip that doesn’t know why I’m doing this but the police won’t do anything about it because a key grip killed their parents in an alley. But also, you know, they’re cops. 

Wow. Crazy the whole thing was longer than Infinity War and Endgame combined and also that they just inserted Infinity War and Endgame in the middle. I’m going to barricade my home. Don’t SWAT me please. It didn’t work for Loki when he did it to Thanos at the ten minute mark. Don’t forget to smash those likes and RTs and check out my twitch channel, funkopopunboxing420, where I play Call of Duty: Warzone silently for 8 hours every day, which means ten whole minutes of actual, moderately interesting gameplay await. Then check out my Funko Pop unboxing YouTube at CallofDutyFunkoPopUnboxing420. …okaybye.

PJ Quattro reads comics and books and he could go pro at any time if that was a thing. He has cat named McTavish and partially runs bar in Omaha.

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