Ingredients

1 victim

Oil – for the floor

Extra virgin olive oil – for the sauce

Bay leaves, cloves and wine – for the marinade

Onions, carrots, and celery

Salt and spices to taste

What you need

1 iron-cast pan

1 meat cleaver

1 chopping knife

1 large pot

1 good alibi

How to do it

Select the victim giving preference to your most annoying, intrusive neighbour. The one everybody dislikes. Sprinkle positive comments about the victim to disperse any later suspicion. Draw the victim to your house with an excuse, making sure there are no witnesses. Pour oil on the kitchen floor to ensure its slippery state. Gently push the victim on the greasy floor so they knock their head on some previously scattered blunt objects. If necessary, use an iron-cast pan for a final blow. Avoid poison or drugs as this might give a bitter aftertaste to the sauce. 

Cut up the victim with a cleaver and marinade with bay leaves, cloves, and vintage Pinot Noir. Sauté the onions, carrots, and celery in the pan with some extra virgin olive oil. Add the meat, some reduced broth, and leave to simmer for 4 to 5 hours. 

When hot, pour into sterilised jars and pasteurise for extra safety – you don’t want anyone to die of botulism. Package with pretty labels and give to your friends for Christmas. 

When discussing flavour, explain how you’ve always sought to make the umami pop, especially after that trip you took to Japan (which is where you bought the cleaver).

To watertight your alibi, sign up in a Zoom literary conference at the time of murder and blame the bad connection for keeping the webcam off.

Slawka G. Scarso has published several books on wine in Italy and works as a copywriter and translator. Her stories have appeared in Ellipsis Zine, Funny Pearls, Entropy and Bending Genres, among others. She lives between Rome and Geneva with her husband and her dog, Tessa. Twitter @nanopausa  Website www.nanopausa.com