From the Pop-Tarts Test Kitchen: Coming Soon to a Toaster Near You?

1)  Blueberry Butane:  How about a Tart you carry in your pocket and warm with simple friction?  Intriguing, but hard to produce.  Spontaneous combustion was a problem.  Also we were unable to eliminate a mildly-stinging metallic aftertaste.  Rejected.

2)  Southern Comfort Cranberry:  Huge hit in every way with all testers.  Approved.

3)  Marshmallow Siracha:  Why not get on the trendy Siracha train?  Unfortunately, the unappetizing sanguine color, as well as the pus-like consistency led us to abandon the concept.   Rejected.

4)    Daiquiri: Here at the kitchen we were conflicted about this one.  Some of us enjoyed the fruity tang and relaxing effect.  Others felt that heating the Tart ruined both the tropical vibe and the taste.  Debating a new line of room-temp-only products, we were ultimately reluctant to lose the “Pop” of Pop-Tarts.   Rejected.

5)  Savory Statins:  With so many people dealing with excessive cholesterol (which prevents them from ingesting our products!), we turned our attention to alleviating the lipid issue with a Tart featuring oregano, basil, and medication.  Purchase will be by prescription only, and the pharmaceutical companies are excited.  We foresee a big future for this and other “Doc-Tarts.”  Approved.

6)  Chocolate Chicken:  It may take some time for us to perfect a wide range of products.  Rejected.

7)    Butterscotch Weed:  This one was a hit in the kitchen.  With a sweet herbal taste and mild sustainable buzz achieved when both Tarts are eaten within a few minutes, this flavor also promotes further consumption of our products.  To be sold in only a few states at first, it will definitely be a front runner in a burgeoning market.  Approved.

8)  Marshmallow Marlboro:  Not as pleasing as 7) above.  At first considered possibly useful as an aid for the cessation of smoking, this product caused some throat pain when over-heated and pulmonary discomfort.  Rejected.

9) Cherry Clam Chowder:  We are always trying to extend our reach.  Rejected.

10)  Vanilla Viagra:  A strong, new height of approval in the kitchen with this one.  It is the first gender-specific Tart, and we are currently developing a Peach Premarin for women, though we are struggling with the use of the syllable “Tart.”  Both flavors approved pending resolution of naming issue.

Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

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