Dear internet friends of Elmo,

Elmo wants to address Elmo’s friends on the internet’s recent concerns about Elmo.

First and foremost, Elmo is fine. There is nothing for Elmo or any of Elmo’s friends on the internet to be worried about. If Elmo seems tired, it’s because Elmo is a monster, and Elmo feeds Elmo’s monster lust for fresh, raw flesh washed down with B-positive Bloody Marys by hunting stray cats, or lost dogs. The rare, unlucky child, if Elmo gets lucky. The children feel so lucky when they see Elmo, but really they are unlucky. Elmo is the lucky one.

You see, internet friends? Elmo’s fine. Elmo’s just tired from spending all night hunting stray cats, lost dogs, and peeking in windows up and down Elmo’s street until Elmo finds one with a child inside that Elmo is confident Elmo can sneak away without much struggle or noise. And when Elmo does, Elmo quietly says, Open Sesame!

[that’s what Elmo calls Elmo’s trusty flathead screwdriver]

Thank you for your love and concern for Elmo, internet friends. Now, and always. It means so much to Elmo. And if you have children, don’t forget to lock their windows tight!

Hee hee!

Your favourite ticklish monster,

Elmo

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Stephen Ground is an award-winning writer, poet, filmmaker, and picture-taker based in Treaty 1 Territory (Winnipeg, Manitoba).